when worlds collide

To continue Tuesday night’s conversation about exes (because who doesn’t want to talk more about their exes?), I want to mention a point that my heterosexual lifemate Carly brought up in her comments on Tuesday’s post – how to deal when past and present relationships collide.

In the whole universe of tricky issues involving exes, maintaining a relationship with an ex while currently dating someone else is one of the trickiest.  Obviously, having a bad relationship with an ex (accusations, name-calling, stalking, violence, relationship sabotage, etc.) adds a lot of stress to a current relationship, and can wreak so much havoc that one or both parties end up calling it quits.  But having a good relationship with an ex can be equally as stressful and unsettling, particularly for the current significant other.  After all, when there’s nothing but bad blood between your current significant other and his or her ex, you can feel pretty confident that the two of them won’t be ditching you and heading for Vegas any time soon.  However, when your girlfriend or boyfriend is on good terms with his or her ex, suddenly that threat seems a little more real.  The  reasons that people are drawn to maintaining relationships with their exes – the familiarity, the comfort, the shared interests and experiences that laid the foundation for the relationship in the first place – are the same factors that keep current significant others awake at night, obsessing over their relationship’s stability.  Let’s be honest – once the lines of communication are open between exes, it can be a slippery slope back into relationship mode.

So what is one to do when a significant other’s former flame comes a-calling?  Ultimately, I think, the fears that come from a significant other’s relationship with an ex are rooted in insecurity and lack of trust, so those are the first issues that must be addressed.  First of all, it’s all about having enough confidence in yourself to know that you are the one your signficant other wants, not his or her ex.  Instead of comparing yourself to your significant other’s ex and thinking of all the reasons why your significant other would prefer him or her over you, remind yourself of all the ways your better than that loser (you must actually BE better than that loser in order for this to be truly effective).  And secondly, like Billy Joel says, it’s a matter of trust.  If you trust your significant other’s devotion to you, there’s no reason why he or she can’t see anyone they choose, including an ex.  It’s also a matter of trusting that your ex remembers why the previous relationship ended, and knows that trying again would be in vain.  Obviously, you have use your judgement too – if you notice your partner spending more time with his or her ex than you, then, yes, perhaps it is time to start asking questions.

How do you deal with these sticky situations? Leave your tips in the comments!

marking your territory

Friday night during some quality girl time at The Abbaye in Northern Liberties with my friends Carly and Christine, the three of us got to talking about the importance of claiming what’s yours when out in public with your significant other.  Carly was telling us the story of how she observed an acquaintance’s significant other ignore him all night one time at a bar, while he covertly flirted with other girls.  The three of us were appalled, not only by his skeazy behavior, but also by her apathy and disinterest.  Where were her territorial instincts?

As Christine said, “Sometimes you just gotta lift your leg and pee on that shit.”

Indeed.  While being crazy-possessive and jealous and never leaving your man’s (or woman’s side) is creepy, annoying and unattractive, and indicates a severe lack of trust, there is nothing wrong with subtle gestures and words that make it clear to everyone in the room that he (or she) is with you. A kiss on the cheek, an arm around the shoulder, introducing yourself as “Hi, I’m (Blank), (So-and-so’s) girlfriend/boyfriend” – these are all little ways in which men and women mark their territory, and they are an integral part of a successful relationship.

Allowing your significant other the space to mix and mingle freely at a party, a bar, work, etc., indicates trust in him/her, which is also an integral part 0f a successful relationship.  No guy wants to be with the girl who goes apeshit every time he so much as says “Excuse me ” to another female (and vice-versa).  Trusting that your significant other isn’t trying to bang everyone of the opposite sex in the room really, you know,  makes a relationship healthier.  It also sends out the message that you are confident in yourself.  Sure, your man may be talking to that skinny little blondie over by the snack table, but at the end of the night, you’ll be the one taking him home, and you’ll be the one doing wildly inappropriate things to him in your bedroom.

However, where one has to be careful is not to appear too aloof, lest the wrong message be sent, both to any potential usurpers and to your man or woman.  Think about it – when the male lion in a pride notices a new lion sniffing around, he doesn’t just turn his read, roll over and act like nothing is happening.  He lifts his leg and takes a piss to show that new guy just who runs that town.  And in the event that doesn’t work, he’ll bite the other lion’s fucking head off.  Same principle here.

It’s important to note that “marking your territory” not only sends a strong message to any potential threats, but also to your mate.  Not that there is ever any excuse for cheating (we’ve been over this before), but if someone is being consistently brushed off and ignored by his or her significant other…well, the thought might cross their mind, even as an attention-getting mechanism.  You know, like the neglected, maladjusted kid who whips his dick out in the lunchroom just because he’s desperate for any kind of attention, even negative.  A subtle territory-marking, like holding hands or a kiss on the cheek is a great way to say, “Hey, I’m here and I love you, so don’t do anything stupid.”  Singles, too, appreciate these gestures; it saves us the time, energy and humiliation of flirting with someone who is already taken.  Lord knows us singles out there need all the help we can get.

In the end, I fully support metaphorically peeing on your significant other, when the situation calls for it.  As for peeing in the literal sense…well, you’ll have to talk to R. Kelly about that one.