wtf, online dating?

Not like I would ever go back to online dating (if I wanted that kind of frustration and humiliation, I’d just start doing algebra again), but this article that was published today on Philly.com convinced me that while the Internet is great for a lot of things, dating is not one of them: “Monica Yant Kinney: Beatty Chadwick, trolling Match.com, still defying truth.”

Really? I mean…really? I don’t even have any commentary to offer on this, it’s just a fucking ridiculous story. I guess it illustrates the point that it’s a lot easier to embellish or gloss over facts from behind the safety of a computer screen, and we can never be too trusting of what may be lurking behind that screenname. Although what the hell can you expect from a guy named fucking Beatty Chadwick, of all things? Ladies, ye be warned.

 

online dating: the next generation

It’s official – online dating has swallowed itself and spat itself back out into the real world. How do I know this? Because I was recently (meaning today) made aware of the existence of two brand-new dating web sites, Cheekd.com and Flipme.com, which are looking to shake-up traditional online dating (what a quaint notion) by allowing people to first make in-person contact, and then pursue each other online.

These web sites, along with other new dating technologies like the iPhone app Skout, were profiled today in a New York Times article. Cheek’d and FlipMe basically work like this: when users sign up for a membership, they are sent a pack of 50 (Cheek’d) or 30 (FlipMe) business cards that a flirtatious saying, a code, and the site’s web address. The theory goes that the user will then hand out these cards to people they meet and find attractive; if the person who receives the code is interested, he or she can go to the web site, enter the code, and find their possible paramour’s profile, and go from there. People who receive the cards can use the site for free, while a membership to both sites costs $25 to start. While FlipMe’s cards all have the same saying (“I’ve said ‘what if’ too many times…not this time.”), Cheek’d offers a variety of sayings users can choose from. My personal favorite? “Act natural. We can get awkward later.” Most ill-advised? “Feel free to stalk me.” Probably not something you want to encourage a complete stranger to do… Anyway, if you want to read the full NYT article, go here.

I have to admit, even though I’m done with dating and all that, I was kind of intrigued by these sites at first. It is refreshing after the fake, forced, discouraging and demoralizing process that is old-fashioned online dating, to have something that acts as an easy ice-breaker in the real world, but also translates well into the virtual world where we all feel more comfortable communicating. It gives people a quick way to get to know more about someone (because God forbid our instant-gratification-obsessed generation can’t find your life story online within 5 minutes), and also a rather pain-free way to reject someone; if I give my card to someone and he’s not interested, married, gay, or all three, he doesn’t have to tell me so to my face. He can just never contact me.

But then I started thinking about it, and realized this is just a glorified, $25 way to give someone your phone number or e-mail address. Ok, maybe it’s a cute, fun way to break the ice, but are we so incapable as a society of having an actual conversation that we need little cards to do it for us? And as far as the element of the profile – for absolutely nothing, I could set up a Facebook page solely to serve as a dating profile, slap the URL on some business cards, and hand them out to people, telling them to check out my profile and message me if they’re interested.

Awww, Cheek’d and FlipMe, did I just blow a big-ass hole in your business plan?

Ok, ok, maybe I’m being a little cynical (and cheap). If Cheek’d and FlipMe are working for people, that’s great. Anything that gets people to interact with each other in person instead of through a computer is a huge step as far as I’m concerned. I find it funny, though, that although online dating is fairly new (Match.com was launched in 1995, eHarmony.com in 1997), there’s already a backlash against it, and a movement to shift dating back into the real world. Maybe we haven’t gone full circle yet, but with Cheek’d and FlipMe, we’re getting halfway there.

What are your thoughts on sites like Cheek’d and FlipMe, and apps like Skout? (Since I’m not cool enough to own an iPhone, I don’t feel comfortable commenting on that one. Actually, I do. I think it’s creepy, and I don’t want people being able to use my phone to find me. Screw you, Big Brother.)  Would you use a site like Cheek’d or FlipMe? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

dating do’s and don’t's part 5: advice in general

Well folks, it’s been quite a week. We’ve talking about first dates, phone etiquette, online dating, and sex, but today I wanted to leave with the gentlemen with a few pieces of general advice to guide them through the sometimes hazardous waters of the dating pool. While nothing can guarantee romantic success, following these tips will at least ensure that fewer women will be throwing darts at your picture or bashing you mercilessly to her friends during Happy Hour. Good luck!

1. Please remember that in the early stages of dating, everything you do sends a message. Most girls will try to keep an open mind and not be judgmental, but with little information to go on about you as a person, every word or action takes on a greater significance, so bear that in mind.
2. Everyone’s sense of humor is different, so until you know that the person you’re dating is cool with offensive, off-color humor, you probably want to lay off the racial, sexual, non-PC jokes.
3. Don’t ask a girl what her bra size is within your first ten minutes of talking to her.
4. Don’t play games. Be straight-forward and honest; if you’re interested in a girl, let her know. If you’re not, politely and respectfully tell her. Save the games for the field, court or TV.
5. Don’t lie, even if you’re only doing it to “protect” the girl. Not only will she find out, she’ll be twice as furious as she would have been if you had just told her the truth from the start.
6. Do not compare the girl you are currently seeing to an ex. It is never appropriate or proper etiquette to throw her name around loosely during conversation.
7. Never end a break-up conversation with the phrase “…but I’d like it if we could still be friends.” Even if you really mean it, the moment after rejecting a girl is not the time to say it. It does not soften the blow, and only adds insult to injury. Wait until the girl stops wanting to rip out your jugular, and then broach the subject of being friends.
8. If you are in the early stages of dating a girl (i.e. are not officially in an exclusive, committed relationship) and she breaks it off, you are entitled to have your say in a polite, respectful manner. Do not become whiney, emo, nasty, antagonistic, disrespectful, stalker-ish, or, under any circumstances, cry.
9. Recognize when it’s time to admit defeat. Calling or texting a girl two weeks (or two months) after she’s stopped communicating with you will not convince her that you’re persistent and really into her; it will convince her that you’re annoying, pathetic and possibly a stalker.
10. At the end of the day, above all else, do not be the type of guy a girl has to share her box of tampons with. Nobody’s saying you have to be a closed-off emotional cripple; sharing feelings is great and an important component of a successful relationship, but one of the reasons women love men is because you’re strong, assertive, rational and supportive. Showing a softer side once in awhile is fine, but one pussy per relationship is quite enough.

dating do’s and don’t's part 4: online dating

Ah, the Internet. A relatively new invention in the grand scheme of time, it’s given us so many wonderful things. The ability to connect and communicate with people around the world at the click of a button. A quick, convenient way to access information from all of the world’s sources. This: And of course, online dating, the popularity and pervasiveness of which has reached such epic proportions that for many people, it’s impossible to imagine a time when relationships actually started by people meeting, you know, in person. While online dating may seem like an easy way to find true love, as anyone who’s ever tried it knows, it’s like the Wild Wild West with no discernible rules or etiquette. So here are a few tips:

1. Use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation in your online profile. If you write like a five-year-old, most girls will assume you have the intelligence and maturity of a five-year-old.
2. Don’t write LOL after every statement in your profile.  Better yet, don’t write LOL at all within your profile.
3. A profile shouldn’t be a novel, but it should also provide enough information for a girl to make an informed decision about whether or not you’re right for each other, and should highlight what is unique about you. So you like movies, going out to eat, and hanging out with friends? Congratulations, you’ve just described every man on the planet age 10 to death.
4. Don’t contradict yourself in your profile. For example, if you say you don’t smoke, and there’s a photo of you with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth, it won’t take long for a girl to figure out you’re full of shit.
5. If you send an e-mail to a girl and she doesn’t reply within a week, it means she’s not interested and you should move on. If she doesn’t respond positively the first time, do you really think the fifth message is going to make her sit up and say, “Yes, this person is my true love!” ?
6. A message saying “Hey baby gurl, what’s up?” is not as much of a turn on as you think.
7. Posting a full body shot is fine.  Posting a half body shot where the focus is your junk is not fine.
8. Pictures of yourself that you shouldn’t post on your profile: pictures in which you are passed out over a toilet, wearing a Santa costumes (or any costume, for that matter), clearly inebriated, clearly sleeping, looking cozy with another girl, are in a bathroom taking the picture in the mirror with your camera phone, or from when you were five years younger and 20 pounds lighter.
9. If the girl has to be the one to buy the alcohol for your dates, purely for the reason that you legally can’t, you probably shouldn’t message her.
10. Remember what you learned in kindergarten – if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. If you read a girl’s profile and think she sounds boring, crazy, high-maintenance, stupid, conceited, etc., just close her page and move on. Girls overlook stupid shit all the time, you should too.

dating do’s and don’t's pt. 3: sexual behavior and physical appearance

In honor of it being 6/9 and Hump Day (although this is pure coincidence and I didn’t plan for this at all) today’s Do’s and Don’t's list covers the sticky (ahem) subjects of Sexual Behavior and Physical Appearance. Enjoy!

1. Do not EVER ask a girl during your first sexual encounter with her if you can have sex without a condom.  Furthermore, don’t try to trick the girl by sticking it in without a condom.
2. If you’ve just begun sleeping with a girl, don’t automatically assume you’re spending the night. Wait for an invitation before you start asking her what you’re having for breakfast.
3. Never ask a girl to spend the night on your couch or in another bedroom. Either invite her to spend the night or don’t. Anything in between is just insulting.
4. Don’t put your finger up a girl’s butthole.  We don’t know who told you this was a good idea, but it’s not.
5.  When having sex with a girl for the first time, it’s natural to want to put your best foot forward and impress her. This does not mean, however, that you need to try every move in the Kama Sutra on the first night. Having sex with a new person is awkward enough without trying to spin around on your head blindfolded while saying the ABC’s backwards.
6.  If you are deemed a bad kisser, do not expect another date. Practice on your hand, your pillow, whatever; by the time you’re an adult, you should know how to plant a decent kiss on a girl.
7. Don’t ask a girl to compare the size of your junk to that of her sex toys and/or past lovers.
8. Dry humping ceased to be acceptable when you graduated high school.
9.  Don’t have moobs. We understand that everybody’s body type is different, and no one is perfect, but your tits should not be bigger than your lady friend’s. Sorry.
10. Taking pride in your personal appearance is important, but don’t ever stop a girl in the middle of a romantic rendezvous to tell her “Don’t mess up my hair.”

Come back tomorrow for advice on the wonderful world of online dating!

re: a personal question

Remember that thing we talked about yesterday? Yeah, I went ahead and did it.  (I told you patience is not a virtue I have an overabundance of.)

I didn’t actually sign up for a subscription, mind you.  I just posted a profile, which you can do for free.  You can see who’s looked at your profile, and search other people’s profiles,  so I figure I’ll check it out and see if there’s anyone on there worth shelling out the money for.

In the meantime, let’s make this an interactive game.  Here’s the profile and picture I posted.  Feel free (guys especially) to critique it and give me your thoughts on what I can do to improve it (constructive criticism only, please.  Don’t tell me ridiculous things like “Be hotter,” because I’ll have to punch you in the mouth.)

Profile:

Haha, now comes the fun part. I’ve always described myself as a walking contradiction – a lot of contrasts rolled up into one person. I savor my alone time but I enjoy going out and being social. I’m independent, but like knowing I have people in my corner. I’m a writer and book-lover who hates pretentious literary types. I love food but hate to cook; am neat but hate cleaning. Sometimes I’m shy and serious, but I’m also comfortable being sassy and the center of attention. I tend to be a cynical pessimist with a dash of hopeless romantic optimism.

Basics: I’m a secretary extraordinaire by day, aspiring playwright by night. I have a BA in Professional Writing, and am looking to start working on my masters in the next few years.

Things I enjoy: my family and friends, reading, writing, laughing, exploring my adopted home of Philadelphia, theater, traveling, the beach, summer, dogs, the Boston Red Sox and Philadelphia Phillies, photography, spirited debates, playing with my nephew, sleeping in, happy hours, coffee.

Things I do not enjoy: poor grammar and spelling, winter, mornings, stupidity and ignorance, math, bad drivers.

What I’m looking for: I don’t believe there is such a thing as a “perfect” match, since nobody’s perfect (myself included), but there are some qualities I like to see in a guy, especially confidence, sense of humor, independence, creativity, intelligence, ambition and straight-forwardness. Ultimately, though, the most important factor in finding a partner is chemistry. Until you meet someone face-to-face and have a conversation, you don’t know for sure if that chemistry, that spark that draws you to another person, is there or not. I’m looking for that one person that gives me butterflies, someone I have great chemistry with, intellectually, emotionally and physically. And while I’m not quite ready to take a walk down the aisle, but I’d love some company for a walk on the beach or through the city.

And here’s my pretty picture:

a personal question

This morning while I was checking my e-mail, Yahoo decided to bombard me with advertisements for Yahoo! Personals (oh, Big Brother, you know me so well).  Out of curiosity (desperation?), I decided to check it out, and now, I have to admit, I’m toying with the idea of hoisting up a profile and seeing what happens.  It’s free to post a profile, but you can also get a paid subscription for different privileges and ways to communicate.

But I’m torn.  On the one hand, the thought of returning to online dating is about as attractive as standing naked in the middle of Broad Street in a blizzard.  After my year of Match.com, I’m jaded.  More often than not, the communication and dates feel forced and awkward, and, sappy commercials be damned, using profiles and search criteria do NOT make it any easier to find someone with whom you’re compatible.  Do I really want to sign up for that kind of indignity and frustration again?

However, on the other hand, just below the surface, is the reminder that it’s been almost three months since I’ve had a date, and that the prospects of getting one any time soon are quite dim.  So…why not?  Clearly I’ve got nothing to lose.

On another hand, though (I know, I’m very indecisive today), I have started trying to expand my social circle.  I’ve joined a couple groups through Meetup.com, and have signed up to volunteer at the Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society (yes, every once in awhile, I do listen to Mike Scatton).

- Side note: Post interrupted to deal with crazy, lecherous old man in my office.  Ah, the joys of working in a building on the main thoroughfare in a big city.  What is the point of having security guards if they’re going to let in every loony who walks through the door? -

Anyway, I guess I could just be patient and see if anything comes of those activities.  Then again, patience is a virtue I don’t have an overabundance of.

It appears, dear readers, that I am at a crossroads.  Any suggestions?  Leave them in the comments.

the “gud,” the bad and the ugly

I know in my last post I expressed some skepticism about Mike Scatton’s plan to find me a kind-heart, church-going, God-fearing young man, but as each day goes by, the option gets more and more attractive.

Consider this: those of you out there who use Facebook (i.e. everyone) may have on ocassion seen advertisements for the Zoosk application.  I know I have, although I never gave it much thought, mainly because it’s a nonsense made-up word, and I don’t like made-up words, unless I am the one making them up.

At any rate, this application rose to my conciousness again a few weeks ago when I came across datingsitesreviews.com while doing research for a class project.  Lo and behold, there was Zoosk, and the mystery was solved – in its attempt to control everything in our lives, Facebook has a dating application.

By now you’ve probably figured out where this is going.  Considering that it doesn’t cost anything to sign up for Zoosk, and I’m willing to do just about anything for the sake of a good blog post, I decided to throw up a profile on Zoosk and see what happens.  Mind you, I only entered the most basic information – my age, height, relationship status, ethnicity, education background, location, etc.  (I wasn’t that committed to this experiment.) Actually, I figured I could go back later and add all of the key information that will help me find a soulmate, such as my ideal first date and the movies I “<3.” Until then, I assumed I wouldn’t get much of a response.

Oh, how wrong I was.  Apparently, for some men, being a 5’2″ Aquarius with a bachelor’s degree who smokes and drinks socially is enough to convince some men that you’re worth talking to.  When I finally checked my account today, my profile had been viewed 112 times, and I had received e-mails from 13 guys.

I guess I should be flattered that my basic stats alone are enough to make me attractive to the opposite sex, but as anyone who knows me is well aware, I value substance over style.  For a guy to win me over, he was to like me because he truly appreciates my good qualities, and can put up with my bad ones, not because I’m a warm body.  So already I am not feeling too confident about this batch of suitors.  But I persevered, and looked through every one’s profile, and I’m genuinely glad I did – because honestly, I couldn’t make this shit up.

Here now is a sampling of my gentleman callers, courtesy of Zoosk:

• Bilal, Upper Darby – Favorite Music: “Any gud (sic) music”
• Cast, Woodbury Heights – Story: “born in philly lived there till i was ten then moved to jersey love to party i drink and smoke i have 4 brothers and 2 sisters lol i am easy to get along with aslong as ur cool, i love da eagles and da phillies”
• Reeq, Philadelphia – A 20-year-old with a graduate degree. (I told you I couldn’t make this shit up.)
• KingNothingDude, Chester – Story: “layed backchilled a very simple guy at thet defently…… down to earth guy….shy but not with people im confortable with and open up quick……thinks with his hear(warm hearted), sweet loveing careing, if let be that…..sarcastic at times, funny loves to laugh but not s jokster or prsnkster but can be silly,…
  young at heart who loves music!!! sum times to rock sum times for emotion depends on mood……feel free to hit me up sum time ok have a good one on me ask me anything and say anything u want i am single and looking for friends maby more give a missunderstood sweet guy a chance u never know ok peace to all.”
• Edwin, Morrisville – Remember William Hung? Yeah, picture that…

You may think it’s mean-spirited of me to point out these men and their short-comings to the world, and maybe it is.  I’m willing to take the karmic ass-kicking though, because it’s worth it to share the joy of laughter with you all.  After all, as Chris Griffin said, “If I didn’t learn to laugh at myself, I’d be dead now.”

More to come from the Great Zoosk Experiment.  I’m going to add some more information to my profile, and see if I can’t attract some guys who can actually spell.  To be continued…