wtf, online dating?

Not like I would ever go back to online dating (if I wanted that kind of frustration and humiliation, I’d just start doing algebra again), but this article that was published today on Philly.com convinced me that while the Internet is great for a lot of things, dating is not one of them: “Monica Yant Kinney: Beatty Chadwick, trolling Match.com, still defying truth.”

Really? I mean…really? I don’t even have any commentary to offer on this, it’s just a fucking ridiculous story. I guess it illustrates the point that it’s a lot easier to embellish or gloss over facts from behind the safety of a computer screen, and we can never be too trusting of what may be lurking behind that screenname. Although what the hell can you expect from a guy named fucking Beatty Chadwick, of all things? Ladies, ye be warned.

 

online dating: the next generation

It’s official – online dating has swallowed itself and spat itself back out into the real world. How do I know this? Because I was recently (meaning today) made aware of the existence of two brand-new dating web sites, Cheekd.com and Flipme.com, which are looking to shake-up traditional online dating (what a quaint notion) by allowing people to first make in-person contact, and then pursue each other online.

These web sites, along with other new dating technologies like the iPhone app Skout, were profiled today in a New York Times article. Cheek’d and FlipMe basically work like this: when users sign up for a membership, they are sent a pack of 50 (Cheek’d) or 30 (FlipMe) business cards that a flirtatious saying, a code, and the site’s web address. The theory goes that the user will then hand out these cards to people they meet and find attractive; if the person who receives the code is interested, he or she can go to the web site, enter the code, and find their possible paramour’s profile, and go from there. People who receive the cards can use the site for free, while a membership to both sites costs $25 to start. While FlipMe’s cards all have the same saying (“I’ve said ‘what if’ too many times…not this time.”), Cheek’d offers a variety of sayings users can choose from. My personal favorite? “Act natural. We can get awkward later.” Most ill-advised? “Feel free to stalk me.” Probably not something you want to encourage a complete stranger to do… Anyway, if you want to read the full NYT article, go here.

I have to admit, even though I’m done with dating and all that, I was kind of intrigued by these sites at first. It is refreshing after the fake, forced, discouraging and demoralizing process that is old-fashioned online dating, to have something that acts as an easy ice-breaker in the real world, but also translates well into the virtual world where we all feel more comfortable communicating. It gives people a quick way to get to know more about someone (because God forbid our instant-gratification-obsessed generation can’t find your life story online within 5 minutes), and also a rather pain-free way to reject someone; if I give my card to someone and he’s not interested, married, gay, or all three, he doesn’t have to tell me so to my face. He can just never contact me.

But then I started thinking about it, and realized this is just a glorified, $25 way to give someone your phone number or e-mail address. Ok, maybe it’s a cute, fun way to break the ice, but are we so incapable as a society of having an actual conversation that we need little cards to do it for us? And as far as the element of the profile – for absolutely nothing, I could set up a Facebook page solely to serve as a dating profile, slap the URL on some business cards, and hand them out to people, telling them to check out my profile and message me if they’re interested.

Awww, Cheek’d and FlipMe, did I just blow a big-ass hole in your business plan?

Ok, ok, maybe I’m being a little cynical (and cheap). If Cheek’d and FlipMe are working for people, that’s great. Anything that gets people to interact with each other in person instead of through a computer is a huge step as far as I’m concerned. I find it funny, though, that although online dating is fairly new (Match.com was launched in 1995, eHarmony.com in 1997), there’s already a backlash against it, and a movement to shift dating back into the real world. Maybe we haven’t gone full circle yet, but with Cheek’d and FlipMe, we’re getting halfway there.

What are your thoughts on sites like Cheek’d and FlipMe, and apps like Skout? (Since I’m not cool enough to own an iPhone, I don’t feel comfortable commenting on that one. Actually, I do. I think it’s creepy, and I don’t want people being able to use my phone to find me. Screw you, Big Brother.)  Would you use a site like Cheek’d or FlipMe? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

the “gud,” the bad and the ugly

I know in my last post I expressed some skepticism about Mike Scatton’s plan to find me a kind-heart, church-going, God-fearing young man, but as each day goes by, the option gets more and more attractive.

Consider this: those of you out there who use Facebook (i.e. everyone) may have on ocassion seen advertisements for the Zoosk application.  I know I have, although I never gave it much thought, mainly because it’s a nonsense made-up word, and I don’t like made-up words, unless I am the one making them up.

At any rate, this application rose to my conciousness again a few weeks ago when I came across datingsitesreviews.com while doing research for a class project.  Lo and behold, there was Zoosk, and the mystery was solved – in its attempt to control everything in our lives, Facebook has a dating application.

By now you’ve probably figured out where this is going.  Considering that it doesn’t cost anything to sign up for Zoosk, and I’m willing to do just about anything for the sake of a good blog post, I decided to throw up a profile on Zoosk and see what happens.  Mind you, I only entered the most basic information – my age, height, relationship status, ethnicity, education background, location, etc.  (I wasn’t that committed to this experiment.) Actually, I figured I could go back later and add all of the key information that will help me find a soulmate, such as my ideal first date and the movies I “<3.” Until then, I assumed I wouldn’t get much of a response.

Oh, how wrong I was.  Apparently, for some men, being a 5’2″ Aquarius with a bachelor’s degree who smokes and drinks socially is enough to convince some men that you’re worth talking to.  When I finally checked my account today, my profile had been viewed 112 times, and I had received e-mails from 13 guys.

I guess I should be flattered that my basic stats alone are enough to make me attractive to the opposite sex, but as anyone who knows me is well aware, I value substance over style.  For a guy to win me over, he was to like me because he truly appreciates my good qualities, and can put up with my bad ones, not because I’m a warm body.  So already I am not feeling too confident about this batch of suitors.  But I persevered, and looked through every one’s profile, and I’m genuinely glad I did – because honestly, I couldn’t make this shit up.

Here now is a sampling of my gentleman callers, courtesy of Zoosk:

• Bilal, Upper Darby – Favorite Music: “Any gud (sic) music”
• Cast, Woodbury Heights – Story: “born in philly lived there till i was ten then moved to jersey love to party i drink and smoke i have 4 brothers and 2 sisters lol i am easy to get along with aslong as ur cool, i love da eagles and da phillies”
• Reeq, Philadelphia – A 20-year-old with a graduate degree. (I told you I couldn’t make this shit up.)
• KingNothingDude, Chester – Story: “layed backchilled a very simple guy at thet defently…… down to earth guy….shy but not with people im confortable with and open up quick……thinks with his hear(warm hearted), sweet loveing careing, if let be that…..sarcastic at times, funny loves to laugh but not s jokster or prsnkster but can be silly,…
  young at heart who loves music!!! sum times to rock sum times for emotion depends on mood……feel free to hit me up sum time ok have a good one on me ask me anything and say anything u want i am single and looking for friends maby more give a missunderstood sweet guy a chance u never know ok peace to all.”
• Edwin, Morrisville – Remember William Hung? Yeah, picture that…

You may think it’s mean-spirited of me to point out these men and their short-comings to the world, and maybe it is.  I’m willing to take the karmic ass-kicking though, because it’s worth it to share the joy of laughter with you all.  After all, as Chris Griffin said, “If I didn’t learn to laugh at myself, I’d be dead now.”

More to come from the Great Zoosk Experiment.  I’m going to add some more information to my profile, and see if I can’t attract some guys who can actually spell.  To be continued…

back to life, back to reality

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about technology, and how it affects our love lives, probably because I’ve been immersed in a project for one of my grad classes that involves writing a book proposal for a hypothetical book about – surprise, surprise – how technology has affected our love lives.

I was working on this project over the weekend, and, in a hunt for statistics on the number of Match.com subscribers (1.4 million as of June 2009, if you’re curious), found this web site, which offers information and user reviews on over fifty dating and matchmaking web sites.  I was momentarily distracted from my homework (not that distracting me from homework is a particularly challenging task) by the sheer volume and specificity of these web sites.  Sure, you have your big, brand-name general dating sites like Match and eHarmony, but if you want to narrow down your search for a soulmate by race/ethnic background, age group, religion, even income bracket, there’s a web site for you.  There’s even a web site, PositiveSingles.com, for individuals living with STDs (because people with herpes need love too).   (Sorry.)

Anyway, this discovery stopped me in my tracks because, as I sat there reading down the list, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “This is the most ass-backwards system I’ve ever heard of.  We’re all trying to meet people and connect with others – by sitting alone in our houses, hunched over our computers, disengaged from society.  What the hell is wrong with all of us?”

I echoed those thoughts later that night during my phone conversation with Ang.  (If it seems like a lot of posts have recently come out of that Sunday night conversation, you’re absolutely right.  In fact, Ang and I talked about how what we talked about would end up in this blog.  Christ, even my life is meta now.)  Anyhoo, Ang was telling me about how, on the train back to New Jersey after her date with her new gay boyfriend, she actually struck up a live, in-person conversation with an attractive young man (who was Ecuadorian, no less).

“And everybody else on the train must have thought I was crazy, because, you know, people don’t actually talk to each other anymore, let alone talk to a stranger,” Ang said.

I had to agree with her.  “It’s so ridiculous,” I said.  “People always say if you want to meet someone, to go to a coffeeshop or a park or wherever, but you go, and everybody’s sitting there by themselves, listening to their iPods, playing on their computers or iPhones or whatever the fuck thing everybody has these days, not talking to anyone else.  It’s incredible.  We have more ways of communicating and staying in touch than ever, and we’re still completely isolated.”

It’s the irony of the whole thing which just gets under my skin, I suppose.  One has to imagine, that at some point in time, somewhere in this universe, in some coffeeshop or classroom or city park, two lonely, single strangers have sat, mere feet or maybe even inches apart from each other, yet completely unaware of the other’s presence – probably because they’re both too busy plowing through  Match.com profiles.  And that, my friends, is the definition of fucking irony.

I’m not trying to hate on the Internet in general, or dating web sites in particular.  I’m in no position to judge, having been a paying member of Match for a year; it can’t hurt to have as many irons in the fire as possible, I always say.  But it’s a slippery slope, as we all retreat further and further into the isolated, virtual world to find connections, forgetting that there is a whole great big bustling REAL world too, and that your potential soulmate may be out there – maybe even on the train seat next to you.

match point

As I’ve mentioned before, for almost a year now, I’ve been subscribing to Match.com in hopes of finding Mr. Right (or a decent Mr. Right Now, as it were), with varying degrees of success.  At present, my stats are: two guys who were quite awesome and were worthy of  pursuing relationships with (not like that actually happened in either instance, but still); a handful of guys who were just awesomely bad, and then dozens more who fell somewhere in between.  Overall, I’d say that my decision to plunge into the world of online dating was a good one.  Regardless of how terrible the date was or how mismatched the guy and I were, I learned a lot about myself and what I want from a man and a relationship (I also learned the value of positive thinking.  Ha.)

My Match subscription expires at the end of this week, and I’m still on the fence about whether to renew it or not.  My mind seems to change by the hour (I guess I am finally living up to that aspect of femininity.)  On one hand, no amount of positive thinking can convince me that I will meet my soulmate on a dating Web site, no matter what those cheesy TV testimonials tell me.  It just ain’t gonna happen.  Anyone who has ever done a dating Web site knows that those kind of fairy tale happy endings are a crock of shite.  There are still too many variables that can kill a match that on paper (or a computer screen, as it were) looks perfect.  You don’t really need to look any further than my own experiences for proof of that – one year, at least two dozen matches, two guys worth pursuing something with, and even that didn’t translate into more than a few weeks of casual dating.  Now, I’ll admit, I’m pretty picky, and some matches fell through because of my haphazard handling of the situation.  But for a concept that is supposed to remove a lot of the guesswork from dating…well, there’s still quite a bit of uncertaintly involved.

But still…but still.  It is an avenue through which to meet men (which I definitely still want to do) and, I’ll be honest, I’m kind of out of ideas of where else to do that.  I mean, let’s be real here – where do people go to meet members of the opposite sex these days?  I’m not the only one asking this question.  Ang and I had this very conversation Sunday night, while we were talking about her getting back out on the dating scene after breaking up with her boyfriend.

“My parents always tell me that I have to go out and meet people,” she said . “But I honestly don’t know where they want me to go.  Things are not the way they were when our parents were dating.  People don’t ‘go out’ to meet people anymore.”

And how. Dating’s most historically prolific meat market, the bar scene, is about as used up and overdone as Paris Hilton’s vagina.  I spend my fair share of time in bars these days, and let me tell you, people are not mixing and mingling like they were back in my parents’ day, or even like they did at the local bars when I was in college.  You don’t believe me?  Go to any bar anywhere in Philly (or any other city) and you’ll find lots of people – but they will all be in little nuclear groups, talking only to each other, and nobody from the “outside.”  The easy flow of interaction between individuals and groups that I remember from the college bar scene seems to have ceased in the real world.  Everyone keeps to themselves.  It may be because half the people in the bars (at least to my single eyes) seem to already be paired up, which actually makes me paranoid sometimes.  I feel as if one day, a few years ago, there was a big, important, worldwide meeting where everybody sat down and decided who they were going to spend the rest of their lives with, and somehow I missed it.  Like I slept through it or something.

Anyway, even in the event that I do find a single guy in a bar who is willing to a complete stranger, chances are he’s not looking at me as girlfriend material, if you know what I’m saying.  Nowadays, if there are people in a bar mingling with the opposite sex, it’s for one reason and one reason only – to hit it and quit it, as the kids say.  It’s such common knowledge, I don’t even know why I’m repeating it.  People nowadays go to bars looking for someone they can spend a night with – not the rest of their lives.  Which, you know, principle-wise I don’t have a problem with; it just crosses out one big feeding ground for potential mates, and when you don’t have that many options to begin with, that kind of sucks.

I guess I can let my subscription lapse, and see what happens out in the ‘real world.’  I mean, it is true that you never know what will happen or who you will meet on any given day, and things always fall into your lap when you least expect it.  Or maybe I’m just telling myself that.  Lord know, I look for that silver lining on every cloud.