there’s an app for that

In what may be the most important article ever published in the history of the world, Yahoo! Personals has brought us the seven tips for preventing an affair, which, unsurprisingly, include such pearls of wisdom as “avoid complacency” and “find time for each other.”  (Sigh.  It’s hard work being this snarky all the time.)

While these tips are pretty common sense, judging from the amount of infidelity that happens in relationships, people do needed to be reminded from time to time about how to have a healthy, functional, faithful relationship.  I also found personal validation through this article, as author Sandra Rivkin confirmed what I’ve been saying all along – that “Cheating is caused by one single factor: ‘Lack.’ In a relationship, it’s a lack of love, attention, intimacy, recognition, respect, and connection that builds up over time.”  And I didn’t even need a post-graduate degree to figure that one out.  Take that, Sandra Rivkin.

I would also like to add one more tip for preventing an affair to Rivkin’s list: don’t let your spouse download this app.  Now if only there was an app for keeping it in your pants.

easy, tiger

So, who else watched the Tiger Woods’ Public Apology Dog-and-Pony Show last Friday?

Yeah, me neither.

Really, I don’t get it.  I don’t understand why we’re still talking about Woods’ affairs, and I understand even less why he has to hold a national press conference to apologize to humanity for being an unfaithful piece of shit.  Does he owe his wife an apologize?  Obviously.  His children?  Absolutely.  His family and friends?  Hell yes.  But the general American public?  Why?  As a member of the general American public, I don’t feel like Woods owes me an apology for anything (except maybe for not having an affair with me, thus preventing me from extorting millions of dollars in hush money from him.  Then again, Woods is hardly my athlete of choice.)

No, Woods had to go on national TV and flagellate himself because, frankly, American society as a whole has some of the most twisted, perverse, fucked-up attitudes about sex as ever I have seen.  We are a culture that glorifies sex while at the same time damning anyone who dares to participate in or, God forbid, enjoy the act itself.  The temptation for sex is everywhere, from advertising to entertainment to current fashion trends – and that’s not even counting our natural, biological instincts and urges.  But give in to that temptation, and you become a symbol of depravity and savageness, are branded a sex addict, and shipped off to rehab to be “cured.”  We’re like Jesus in the desert, constantly being tempted to the dark side by the Devil, except, instead of forty days and forty nights, it’s eternal.  But trust me, if you give into temptation, there is hell to pay, celebrity and civilian alike.

Look, I’m no psychologist, and I do think there are people out there who can develop a dependency on sexual activity that negatively impacts their lives.  But there has to be a line between being a sex addict and, well, being a human who made some bad choices, and I think Woods falls more into the latter category than the former.  He pretty much said so, according to The New York Times: “Woods said he had mistakenly believed that his enormous success and celebrity made him entitled ‘to enjoy all the temptations around me.’ He added: ‘I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules.’”

Well, no shit, Sherlock.  Being a talented, athletic, ridiculously wealthy megalomaniac does not make your wedding vows null and void.  It also doesn’t necessarily make you a sex addict.  If having gratuitous sense of power, self-importance and entitlement means your a sex addict, then there are a hell of a lot more sex addicts out there than we think.  All things considered, Woods would probably be better served by some sort of power rehab and a good dose of humility.

But what fun would that be for the teeming masses?  How could we salivate for every juicy detail of his trysts while simultaneously being offended and disgusted by them?  How could we ruthlessly judge a man we once revered?  Everyone knows one of America’s favorite pastimes is to put celebrities up on pedestals just so we can knock them down and feel better about our sad, mundane, empty little lives.  We want to watch Woods’ press conference from atop our high horses and tell ourselves that, were we in his position, we would have been far more moral and upstanding; but all the while we know, in the back of our minds, if we had his money, power, and ability to get people to take their clothes off, we would be the kid in the candy store just as much as he was.

In no way am I condoning cheating here.  Infidelity is wrong.  What Tiger did was wrong, and I am not about to defend him.  If I were Elin, I’d have divorce papers on his desk and his balls on a pike in my front yard for all the dicking around he did.  But I’m not Elin, and how she chooses to handle this is, like all other aspects of this debacle, between her and her husband.  It’s none of my business, and it’s certainly none of the American public’s.

the others

I have a friend, who shall remain nameless because of the somewhat sensitive nature of the subject, who is in a bit of a moral quandary  – to be the other woman, or not to be the other woman.

In a nutshell, here’s the backstory – for about a year, my friend (who is single) has been friends with this guy (let’s call him Bob) who works at the same place she does (although they’re not quite co-workers. It’s complicated.)  Anyway, the relationship between my friend and Bob was always a little flirtatious, and for a period my friend did have a crush on him, although it was pretty much a moot point since he had a girlfriend.  That is, until the sexual tension boiled over just before Christmas, and Bob and my friend ended up sleeping together.  Oops.

Not long after it happened, when my friend and I were discussing this new development, she was adamant that it was a one-time only occurrence, and that she didn’t want to get involved in a love triangle with him and his girlfriend.

“Obviously, there are problems in his relationship, or he wouldn’t be having sex with me,” she said.  “But then he either needs to deal with those problems, or leave her.  And I’ve realized that, while we’re friends and he’s a cool guy, I do not want to be his girlfriend.  So I’m just taking myself out of the picture so if he wants to fix things with her, he can.”

A few weeks have passed since that conversation.  While I was talking to my friend today, she gave me an update on the situation, and, as it happens, her tune is changing a bit.

“Part of the Sarah Palin-crazy in me thinks I should just sleep with him, since there are apparently no relationship standards,” she wrote.  “What the fuck is the difference anymore?”

That’s a good question, as is the larger question it begets – is it so bad to be the other woman?

Ok, yes, it has its disadvantages, like the fact that your relationship is built on lies and secrecy and dishonesty and will almost certainly never be legit, which can lead to irrevocable emotional damage, social ostracism, and this (FF to 1:58):

But…but…if your expectations are low, you can look out for yourself and your feelings, and you’re not a psychopath, sometimes you just have to ask yourself, “Why not?”

Maybe I’m the devil’s advocate.  Maybe I’m just a morally bankrupt person.  But as I said to my friend, “If he doesn’t care about the well-being of his relationship, why should you?”

Cheating is wrong.  I fervently and strongly believe that if you are in a relationship, you owe it to your partner to be one hundred percent faithful, and if you can’t be, then you owe it to your partner to address the root cause of that infidelity.  But what about when you’re the third point in the triangle, the other person?   Are you doing wrong, or have you just landed in the best position possible – a no-strings-attached, no commitment bacchanalia of sex and fun?

Thoughts?

stand by your man?

Elin Nordegren Woods, take note: on Saturday, Time published this article about Jenny Sanford, the (soon-to-be ex-) wife  of (possibly-soon-to-be ex-) governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford, who, you may recall, disappeared for five days in June to do the forbidden tango with his Argentinian mistress, alienating a hell of a lot of people and earning himself a nomination for “Top Fail of 2009” in the process.

As I have stated in the past, I’m not really one for dissecting the complicated tangles of celebrities’ and politicians’ love lives – if someone is sleeping another person besides his or her spouse, I really don’t see how that is anybody’s business besides the cheater, the cheatee, and the person who is being cheated on.  However, of Jenny Sanford, I will say – You go, girl!

I don’t know about you, but between Hillary, Elizabeth Edwards, Silda Spitzer, et. al., I was getting pretty sick and tired of seeing wife after wife roll over and shimmy up to the podium to “show support” for her lying, cheating sack of scum husband as he apologized for his dalliances with interns, call girls and campaign aides.  It’s about time one of these wronged women had the cajones to say, “Umm…you know what, douchebag?  You’re on  your own for this one.”

I know, I know, who am I to judge how these women handle their personal affairs?  I’m sure they all had their own very sound reasons for choosing to stand by their man, instead of throwing him to the wolves.  Perhaps it was a woman’s, and, more to the point, a mother’s instinct to protect – presenting a united front not for the satisfaction of the salivating public and press, but for the comfort and security of her children.  Perhaps it was for political gain, either his or hers (*cough*Hillary*coughcough*).

Undoubtedly, the public’s reaction to these displays of devotion were not high on the priority list for these women, which is understandable – they had some more important things on their mind.  But the fact remains that by publicly supporting their husbands following indiscretions, these women sent a message to women all around the world – no matter how much inappropriate, immoral and just plain bad behavior they engage in, men still always come first.

But now, thankfully (or maybe I should say, hopefully), Jenny Sanford has blazed a new trail for wronged women everywhere, showing them that you can be graceful and dignified while essentially telling your husband, “Fuck you, you cheating piece of shit. And by the way, I’m leaving with half your shit.”

tasteless discretion is the name of the game

I apologize once again for the delay in posting, which was brought to you courtesy of my roommate Carly’s new Wii and Beatles Rock Band.  On the bright side, I had a high score of 88% on drums on “Come Together,” so my practice is starting to pay off.

Anyhow, let’s get down to brass tacks…I’m thinking about Tiger Woods this morning, mainly because, well, who isn’t thinking about Tiger Woods these days?  Also, there was some golf expert dude being interviewed on “Good Day Philadelphia” this morning as I was getting ready for work.  That confused me, because as far as I know, Woods’ only connection to Philadelphia is that in 2008 he was in talks to hold his AT&T National at the Aronmink Golf Club in Newtown Square.  Why then would a Philadelphia news show (well, news-ish) feel the need to host a guest to dissect his personal life?  Oh, that’s right, because we, the populace, like a pack of starved wolves, love nothing better than to sink our teeth into the tender flesh of a sacrificial lamb.

Okay, I understand that our societal constructs dictate that in exchange for his talent, wealth and celebrity status, Woods is required to relinquish a modicum of privacy.  I understand why celebrities like Woods cheat – for the same reasons anyone else does, combined with the added incentive of crazy-hot women throwing themselves at you, and a sense of entitlement that comes from people kissing your ass 24/7.  I understand why one of the general public’s favorite pasttimes is putting celebrities up on a pedestal, only to kick out the legs of the chair and see them tumble from grace.  It’s a little bit of jealousy, a little bit of schadenfreude; celebrities have it all – talent, looks, privilege, power, obscene amounts of money.  Frankly, the general population would commit mass suicide if we couldn’t find some aspect of their lives that was less-than-perfect.

What I don’t understand is why, whenever the story breaks that a celebrity has cheated on his or her spouse, everyone acts like that celebrity is the first person in the history of the world to commit such an unspeakable act, like he or she invented the concept of infidelity.

Um, sorry to kill your shiny, happy rainbows-and-unicorns buzz, everyone, but infidelity has been around just as long as monogamy and matrimony.  The numbers and attitudes towards infidelity vary depending on culture and time period, but rest assured, as long as people – and celebrities are people, too -  have been alive and breathing and have sexual and emotional desires, cheating has occurred.

The difference between affairs then and affairs now is a matter of a little thing called discretion – i.e., whereas people once did have discretion, they don’t anymore.  To be sure, there have been leaks or rumors of many affairs involving famous people over the years – JFK and Marilyn Monroe, Prince Edward of Wales and Wallis Simpson,  and Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hale come to mind – but the level of transparency was nothing like it is now.  For sure, Marilyn Monroe was not giving interviews to US Weekly or leaking voice messages from Jack Kennedy to the press.  Maybe it was because he could have had her whacked by the mob for going public about their affair, or maybe it was because she had a little bit of class and dignity, and didn’t want any more of her personal life splashed across the pages of newspapers and magazines.

But the Clinton-Lewinsky sex scandal of the late 90s sounded the death knell for that kind of discretion, and the advent of the Internet and 24/7 media coverage, combined with a cultural attitude that anyone can be a celebrity, even for something as insignificant and private as having sex with someone, has officially declared discretion DOA.  R.I.P.

In a way, I feel bad for Woods and his family.  Not that he cheated, because it was a poor choice, and not that he got caught, because when you make poor choices, they catch up with you eventually, but that this extremely private, personal matter has to be played out on a national stage, for an audience of people who once exalted him.  Yes, he fucked up, and yes, he has to pay the consequences, but to his wife and family, the ones he wronged.  Shame on him, but shame on us, too, for creating the demand for the drama that he and other celebs supply.   I know in today’s world of Twitter and Facebook statuses and YouTube videos and personal blogs (natch), nothing is sacred and even more so, nothing is private, but it might be worth reminding ourselves that some aspects of our lives can, and should, be private.  After all, how would you like to have your personal life dissected on live television?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

gray matters

Not surprisingly, the assertion in yesterday’s post that “It’s not cheating if it doesn’t happen in a bed” garnered a “WTF?” response (although only one, which I’m kind of suspicious about.  Either y’all are not reading this blog, or my friends have more questionable morals than I thought.)  In any event, I feel like I should clarify that obviously this is a joke, akin to the urban legend that if it happens in another area code, it’s not cheating (although really, feel free to spread it around.  I would love for someone to actually try and use this theory to defend infidelity.)

It does, however, bring up the always debateable question of what DOES constitute cheating.  We’ve already tackled why people in relationships commit infidelities, but the how of the indiscretion is another matter.

In thinking about it, what constitutes cheating and what constitutes sex are kind of the same question, insofar as most everyone agrees that good, old-fashioned vaginal intercourse is sex, as well as cheating.  However, outside of that, all bets are off and it becomes a matter of opinion.

Is oral or anal sex cheating? Does it depend on who is giving and who is receiving?  What about kissing?  And is there a difference between one kiss and a full-on makeout session?  What about if you’re straight, but you hook up with someone of the same sex? Does cheating even have to include physical contact?  What about flirting?  Sexting or cyber-sex? Or an emotional affair?  If you don’t actually touch, is it cheating?

See what I mean? It’s one great big gray area.

In search of answers, I turned to (what else?) the Internets, and discovered that (obviously) there are a lot of differeing ideas and opinions out there about this subject.  RomanceClass.com’s aptly titled “What is Cheating” article gave one of the best definitions of cheating that I’ve ever seen: “Cheating is about betraying trust, and about not honoring the commitment that two people have made to each other.”   I think that sums it up pretty well, because betraying trust and disrespecting commitment can happen in a lot of ways – fucking someone besides your significant other  (regardless of where the encounter takes place) can certainly be considered a betrayal of trust, considering (most) relationships are built on the understanding that you only fuck each other.  But it can also be done by being more emotionally open with someone besides your significant other, or by, as the article says, making someone else your priority while still in a relationship.

I also found an interesting article on AskMen.com that pointed out that some people consider one form of cheating “worse” than another, and that this difference of opinion is somewhat drawn along gender lines, which, when you think about it, makes sense to a degree.  Women tend to broaden the scope of cheating beyond physical contact to include emotional betrayals because, let’s face it, we’re typically more in touch with our feelings than men are.  To women, it might be more hurtful if a boyfriend/fiance/husband is confiding deep secrets to another woman, rather than just having sex with her, because it means as a female companion, she is not fulfilling her need as an emotional counterpart.  I also feel that, in the interest of fairness and objectivity, I have to say that there are women out there who feel a physical betrayal is less offensive than an emotional one, because guys can only think with one head at a time, and it’s not always the one attached to their neck.  I know how anti-feminist that sounds, and believe me, that excuse would never fly with me if a significant other had sex with another woman, but there you have it.

I think men, on the other hand, tend to place more importance on the physical betrayals because that is their realm.  If a man’s significant other is going elsewhere for sexual satisfaction, it means he’s not pleasing her, and that is a big blow to his masculine ego.  Also, I think it’s a lot harder for men to grasp the importance of emotional honesty and communication in a relationship.  Therefore, a guy might not see why it’s a problem to be divulging sensitive emotional information to a girl who is not his significant other, or might not be as bothered to learn that his girlfriend has a deep emotional connection with another guy, as long as there’s no physical contact involved.  Hell, I know guys who would probably be HAPPIER if their significant others had emotional affairs, so they wouldn’t be forced to have touchy-feely conversations about feelings and thoughts.

Even this speculation is still far too general, though.  At the end of the day, what counts as cheating is different to every individual.  A good barometer that I’ve always heard is, “If I’m doing something that I would be upset at my significant other for doing, it’s cheating.”  Basically the relationship version of the Golden Rule.  It’s not a one size fits all deal, and I don’t think it has to be.  Really, the’re’s only two people who need to agree on a definition of cheating – the two people in a relationship with each other.

What do YOU think is cheating?  I’d love to know, so feel free to leave comments!

screaming infidelities

Ah, Monday again.  Whilst sadly, I do not have tales of another Octo-date (thank you, Lembo) with which to regale you, it was an interesting weekend, at least from an observer’s point of view.  I spent a lot of time talking to a lot of people about relationships (apparently, the stars and moon and planets aligned perfectly this weekend for everyone’s lives to just go ka-blooey) which, at least for the purpose of this li’l ol’ blog, is always a good thing.

Today, for your consideration, we have the story of my friend Julie, who this weekend succeeded in consummating a flirtatious tryst with a long-time friend and crush.  Great success, right?  Well, not quite,  as the guy in question (who has never shied away from being flirty, romantic, or teasing in this relationship) is currently sort-of-but-not-quite seeing another girl who lives out of state.  They’re not official, so technically he didn’t do anything wrong – except for ensnare Julie in a tangled web of sex, deceit and confused.

“What should I do? I don’t know what he wants!” Julie cried of a glass of wine at my house last night.  (Oh, gee, where have I heard this before?)

“Here’s the thing,” I said, trying, despite all evidence to the contrary, to be the voice of reason, “he can’t really be that into that girl if he’s fucking you.“

I’ve actually been saying this, or some variation thereof, for years.  I feel like this is one of those universal relationship truths – if you are having sex with someone besides your significant other, then you are just not that into your significant other, regardless of what you tell yourself.

Now, obviously, I know we’re all only human, and we all have animalistic instincts and desires that can be very powerful.  Likewise, being in a monogamous relationship is not the same as being dead.  People are going to notice members of the opposite sex, especially those they find attractive.  They may look at them, think about them, fantasize about them – but there is a big difference between all of that, and getting naked with somebody.  And when clothes come off, then you know there’s a problem.

People will explain their infidelities in a bevy of ways – “We had a fight and I wanted to get back at you.”  “I was drunk.”  “I was curious.”  “I was horny.”  Or my favorite, “It was an accident.”  (Really, honey?  You just tripped and landed on somebody’s dick?)  But the one thing these explanations all have in common is that they are merely excuses used to cover up the real, universal reason that people cheat – because they are unhappy and unsatisfied in their relationships.

That’s  a hard thing to admit, and perhaps that is why people cheat in the first place – it’s hard to approach your partner and tell them that your relationship, your life with them, is no longer fulfilling.  It’s much easier (and seemingly harmless) to just hop off for a night, find some suitable stranger, and seek fulfillment with them.  And I’m not even talking about sexual fulfillment.  Generally, in my experience, sex is the last thing cheating is about.  It’s involved, certainly, but I’ve known more people who have cheated for every reason besides sex – myself included.

I have been unfaithful in relationships twice.  I’m not proud of it, but I’ll admit it.  Both times it was because I was unhappy in my relationship; my emotional and mental needs weren’t being met; oddly enough, the physical aspect of those relationships were the best part.  But because I felt something lacking, I went searching for it elsewhere.  It’s dishonest and hurtful and immature, but it was a lot easier than taking the honest way out and actually telling my significant other that I was unhappy (which I eventually did, in both situations, when I broke up with them.)  I’m not trying to justify my actions, and it is something I will always be ashamed of, but I’m just saying, I understand why it happens.

Cheating doesn’t need to necessarily involve sex, either.  There is that gray area that my friend Ang and I call “emotional affairs.”  This is basically when someone who is in a relationship winds up being more emotionally involved with someone outside the relationship – sharing intimate feelings and thoughts with a third party, rather than a significant other, rendering the actual exclusive relationship superficial and monotonous.  There are even those who argue that an emotional affair is more damaging than a sexual affair, but that kind of depends on a person’s personal views of sex and intimacy.

So why do people stay with a partner they are unfaithful too, either sporadically or consistently?  I can only speculate.  Comfort, I think, is a big thing.  If you’ve found someone you’re comfortable with, who loves you and gives you that security, it’s very hard to give it up, regardless of how unfulfilled you are.  Guilt, maybe – staying with a person with whom you are unhappy is penance for the sin of infidelity.  And genuine feelings, too, can keep couples together.  Even if a person is unfaithful, they can still care about their partner, and not want to hurt him or her by ending it.  There’s practical reasons, too – kids, money, shared property.  There’s a lot of reasons, and some of them are even understandable, or decent.  But at the end of the day, if someone is really happy in his or her relationship, they don’t even want to look at another member of the opposite sex, let alone sleep with them or open up to them.  And really, isn’t that the kind of relationship we all want?