ass-kicking women

I never really got into the TV show “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” but this mash-up, kindly sent to me by my co-worker, Jamie, who shares my unadulterated hatred of Twilight, kind of makes me wish I had watched “Buffy.”  Whether you’re a Twilight hater, a Buffy fan, or just need something to distract you on a Friday afternoon, you’ll enjoy this.  (I LOL’ed at about 3:59.)

As the creator’s description on YouTube states, this video is “a pro-feminist visual critique of Edward’s character and generally creepy behavior.  Seen through Buffy’s eyes, some of the more sexist gender roles and patriarchal Hollywood themes embedded in the Twilight saga are exposed…”  In other words, while Bella may be an awful human being, Edward Cullen’s no prize either.  He’s equally as co-dependent as Bella, unfailingly self-flagellating, protective to the point of possessiveness, a tad creepy, and, on top of it all…he’s boring. All of which Bella would probably realize if she had a bit more cajones, like, say, Buffy.

All of which made me think about strong female literary characters who could kick Bella Swan’s ass (figuratively and literally.)  I know a few weeks ago I gave you my list of male literary characters who are much more desirable than Edward Cullen, so I thought this would be a nice complement.

10. Elphaba (Wicked) – Sure, she’s awkward and prickly, not to mention a witch, but the heroine of Gregory Maguire’s re-telling of The Wizard of Oz is a perfect example of how a reader can empathize with a character they don’t necessarily like. Elphaba is still less of a wet noodle than Bella, even though she has more reason to be – she’s green, for Christ’s sake.
9. Jody (Bloodsucking Fiends, You Suck: A Love Story, A Dirty Job) – If you really want quality vampire shenanigans, look no further than Christopher Moore’s absurd take on the undead. Yes, Jody’s a vampire, and yes, she’s in love with mortal, but that doesn’t mean her and boyfriend Tommy spend all their time knitting scarves about their predicament. Added bonus: None of that Twilight Mormon-influenced abstinence shit. Moore gets right to the freaky vampire sex.
8. Jessica Darling (The Sloppy Firsts series) – The star of Megan McCafferty’s wonderful Sloppy Firsts series, Jessica is the Queen of Teen Angst Bella wishes she could be. Witty, cynical, sarcastic and neurotic, Jessica is just as insecure and hopelessly romantic as Bella, but survives high school, college and post-collegiate life with intelligence and humor, not by being turned into the undead.
7. Lauria Notaro (The Idiot Girl’s Action-Adventure Club, I Love Everybody and Other Atrocious Lies, etc.) – Ok, so Notaro is not quite a literary character, as she is an actual human being who honestly (and hilariously) reveals her wackiest, most embarrassing moments, much to the delight of all the “idiot girls” out there who ignore their cars’ funny noises, enjoy getting Stinkin’ Drunk, and can’t do the simplest thing without causing a scene.
6. Melanie Wilkes (Gone With the Wind) – Of the two leading ladies in Margaret Mitchell’s Civil War epic, Scarlett is the lightening bolt, burning hot and quick, while Melanie simmers slowly, continuing to grow on you long after the book is over. Sure, she may be a bit of a bleeding heart, and has a blind spot when it comes to her beloved husband Ashley, but it’s her quiet strength, infinite patience, and backbone of steel that make her, as Rhett Butler says, “a truly great lady.”
5. Vivi Walker and the Ya-Yas (Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood) – These are women who know a thing or two about not letting a man keep them down. Far from being as one-dimensional as Bella, these lifelong friends – Vivi, Caro, Necie and Teensy – are as layered as a good pecan pie and as spicy as Tabasco sauce.
4. The Harry Potter girls (The Harry Potter series) – If Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley knew Bella, they might not kick her ass, but they almost certainly would not be fans. These ladies, along with Tonks, Luna Lovegood and Prof. McGonagall, could teach Bella a thing or two about being independent, self-sufficient and tough, even while under love’s intense spell. Also, a special shout-out to Molly Weasley, who’s deft handling of Bellatrix Lestrange at the end of Book Seven earns her a special “Kick-Mom of the Year Award.”
3. Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Prejudice) – No list of strong female literary characters would be complete without the original sassy sister herself. Sure, Elizabeth ends up falling in love with Mr. Darcy, but she does so while maintaining her characteristic wit and spark.
2. Bridget Jones (Bridget Jones’s Diary) – Bridget Jones is perhaps the best example of how to write an insecure, neurotic, boy-crazy female character without having her come off as whiny, annoying and co-dependent. Bridget Jones measures her thighs, sleeps with her boss, and chronicles every humiliating, cringe-inducing experience over the course of a year, but  instead of wanting to strangle her, we cheer for her. Stephanie Meyers can expect a copy in her mailbox for Christmas.
1. Scarlett O’Hara (Gone With the Wind)- Really, who else did you think would be number one on this list?

are you hotter than edward cullen?

Ok, so I know I’ve been on a bit of Twilight kick lately, but, as I was searching the Interwebs today for inspiration for a post, I came across an article on YourTango.com entitled “7 Book Characters Hotter Than Edward Cullen.” I have to admit that, despite being a literary nerd, I was not familiar with every character on Denise Ngo’s list (hence, I have added Far From the Maddening Crowd, The Picture of Dorian Gray and A Room With a View to my reading list.  Gotta keep up the lit nerd street cred.)  However, there are a few literary characters I can think of whom Ngo did not include on her list, either due to personal preference forgetfulness.  In any event, I now offer you “7 More Book Characters Hotter Than Edward Cullen, According to Kristen Scatton.”

7. Draco Malfoy (the Harry Potter series) – Or really, just about any of the guys from Harry Potter. Despite being a spoiled, arrogant, generally evil little shit, Malfoy has long been my personal preference, maybe because of the way he does scream “bad boy.” (Although I do have a soft spot for the Weasley twins, whom I also think would be great fun to date.) (R.I.P. Fred Weasley, btw.)

6. Tyler Durden (Fight Club) – First of all, this has nothing to do with Brad Pitt, so STFU. It’s Tyler’s confidence, craziness, and extensive knowledge of explosives that lands him at number 6 on this list.

5. Bru (Summer Sisters) – Ok, so as a glorified Harlequin novel, Judy Blume’s 1998 ode to female friendship pretty much had to have a sexy leading man. And maybe Bru wasn’t that desirable of a guy, in the end. But as a teenager, reading Blume’s rather, um, detailed descriptions of Bru awakened feelings in me that I had never felt before. (Why was I reading Summer Sisters at age 14? Where the hell were my parents?)

4. Sal Paradise/Jack Kerouac (On the Road) – Maybe it’s because I’m currently reading Big Sur, but tell me there isn’t something epically romantic about a young, free-spirited poet roaming across the country, sleeping under the stars and getting stoned. And honestly, before he drank himself to death – he was pretty decent:

3. Daniel Cleaver (Bridget Jones’s Diary) – Perhaps what made Bridget Jones so identifiable to so many women (and thus such an enormous success) was the fact that we all understand why she was head-over-heels for her boss, Daniel Cleaver.  He’s charming, cocky and witty with a devil-may-care attitude, and a British accent.  Who wouldn’t want to drop their panties for him?

2. Biff (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal) – While lesser-known than some of the other literary giants on this list, Biff is the one character on this list whom I actually wish I could date – funny and loyal, with a potty mouth and a heart of gold.  You just better make damn sure that his friends like you.

1. Rhett Butler (Gone With the Wind) – How can you have any definitive Hot Men of Literature list without Rhett?  He taught every other man on this list what it means to be a smooth, confident GQ motherfucker.  Even stubborn Scarlett O’Hara could only resist his charms for so long.

Ok, ladies and gentleman, now it’s your turn – tell me which literary characters get you hot and bothered!

fiddle-dee-dee

One of my favorite all-time books (and movies) is Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell.  For those of you who are not familiar with the story, I will try to condense the 1,000+ pages into a few sentences.  Basically, you have Scarlett O’Hara, a beautiful, tempestuous, stubborn Southern belle, who loves Ashley Wilkes, a thoughtful, sensitive, refined (re: a bit of a pussy) Southern gentleman.  Ashley is attracted to Scarlett because she’s passionate and sexy and a little crazy, but he also loves and is married to his cousin Melanie (it’s the South in the 1860s, what do you want?).  Scarlett, of course, is none too happy about this, and so spends the majority of the book doing everything she can think of to lure Ashley away from Melanie, while she herself is pursued by a number of suitors, including the most persistent, Rhett Butler, who is the stereotypical (perhaps the original) bad boy with a soft heart.  Rhett is crazy about Scarlett, but, not wanting to get chewed up and spit out by her, spends most of his time being flirtatious and sweet one moment, and an asshole the next.  Scarlett’s so busy worrying about Ashley that she doesn’t know Rhett’s in love with her until it’s too late, but finally she realizes that Ashley really isn’t right for her, and then Rhett says  “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” and it’s over.  Oh yeah, and the Civil War happens in the midst of all this.

Anyway, the reason I bring up GWTW (as we hardcore fans call it) today is because I was thinking of a scene early on in the book when Ashley tells Scarlett he is marrying Melanie, after going on and on about how passionate and full of life Scarlett is.  In a fit of rage and disappointment, Scarlett delivers this verbal ass-kicking:

“Why don’t you say it, you coward? You’re afraid to marry me! You’d rather live with that stupid little fool who can’t open her mouth except to say “Yes” or “No” and raise a passel of mealy-mouthed brats just like her!”

Ok, so maybe the language is a bit antiquated, and really, for the full effect, you need to rent the DVD and watch Vivien Leigh spit out those lines full of piss and vinegar. My point is, any strong, passionate woman like Scarlett who has seen a man choose a weaker, more complacent and indifferent woman like Melanie, knows exactly how Scarlett feels at that moment.  Hell, they may have even wanted to say that same exact thing (or, at least something along those lines) when confronted with a man making a similar choice.

I thought of those lines of dialogue last night after talking to my friend Ang.  We were commiserating about how many times we’ve seen ourselves, and other strong, intense, self-assured females, passed over by guys in favor of, as Scarlett would say, those “stupid little fools who can’t open their mouths except to say “Yes” or “No,” and wondering what the logic behind it could be.  Because here’s the interesting thing – when asked, most men will tell you that they love strong women.  LOVE.  THEM.  Strength, intelligence, assertiveness, success – all of it is sexy, exactly what a guy looks for.  Check out this forum I found online if you want proof. Until, of course, a guy is deciding who he wants to date, or marry, and  then who does he choose? Of course – a quiet, meek, no-personality girl who is the human equivalent of a lapdog – she’ll come when you call her, and disappear when you send her away, never asking anything more than a rub on the belly and a meal on the table (so to speak).

So what is it?  Are men really intimidated by strong, successful women who are self-sufficient, who don’t need their hands held 24/7?  Does it make them feel emasculated and useless?  If so, men need to start looking a little deeper.  From my own personal experience, and that of my female friends, no matter how strong and independent we are, there is still a part of us that wants to be taken care of.  Maybe we bury it deep down beneath a layer of pride and self-sufficiency (because God forbid we appear too needy), but inside every woman is a girl who wants you to open the door for her, or take her hand as you’re walking down an icy sidewalk, or fix the lightbulb or cuddle her when she wakes up from a bad dream.  You just need to work a little bit to entice that girl out.  Of course, maybe it just stimulates the ego more to be with someone who wears their dependency on their sleeve.

My new theory that I’m working on, having observed this phenomenon for a number of years, is that some guys just don’t want to be bothered.  I mean, the path of least resistence is pretty tempting, right?  By dating a weaker, less challenging girl, guys get the best of both worlds – they get the sex, the companionship, the ego-boosting hero worship, without ever really having to give anything of themselves, emotionally, mentally, even physically, in return.  They can basically phone in the relationship, whereas, with a strong woman who is not afraid to demand something in return for what she is giving, they would actually have to show up.  I suppose this option is extra attractive to the guys who really don’t give a shit about their relationships, and want a girl who will be nice and easy to be unfaithful to.  If this is true of men – and I’m sure it is of some, if only a handful – well, then…shame on you all.  I mean, really, I’m pretty good at arguing both sides of the coin, but I really can’t find a single redeeming thing to say about that situation.  You don’t deserve a strong, intelligent, successful woman.  If you want sex, go to a prostitute.  If you want companionship, a warm house to come home to, and a home-cooked meal, go to your mother.  If you want a meaningful relationship, then come to me.

Or maybe it’s not the men at all.  Maybe it is us women.  Maybe we are a bunch of crazy, demanding, steely, unwielding, impossible-to-please bitches.  I can admit that it’s a possibility.  Surely strong women are not always the easiest people to love, but then again, isn’t anything worth having worth fighting for?  And I sure as hell wouldn’t want a man who wouldn’t fight for me.

Not surprisingly, since first reading Gone With the Wind at age sixteen, I’ve always identified much more with Scarlett – strong-willed, quick-tempered and passionate – than quiet, gentle, shy Melanie.  I’ve had more than my share of Ashleys and Rhetts, men who I want but can’t have but who continue to provoke and intrigue me.  All I can do is keep looking ahead, and not let it get me down for long.  After all, like Scarlett always said, “Tomorrow is another day.”