Today marked a milestone in the relatively short life of this’ere li’l blog. I actually reached the point when I have written so many posts that I needed to go through the archives to determine if I had already written about the topic I had in mind for today, because I couldn’t recall all of my previous posts. Either that or I’m in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. Shit!
Luckily, though, the topic for today’s post is not one that I have previously written about at length, although it’s surprising that it took me this long to get around to this subject – trying to be friends with someone you’ve dated.
I was compelled to write about this subject today because, when talking to my friend Ang last night, she pretty much told me I was going to. While I like to stay unpredictable, I had to admit, now is as good a time as any to address the Most Dreaded Words In The Dating Lexicon – “I’d like it if we could still be friends.” (Ok, maybe third most dreaded, behind “We need to talk” and “I’m late. You know – late.“)
Ang handed down her decree on this issue because she was, in fact, confronted with the Dreaded Words Tuesday night when she and her boyfriend of about three months broke up. It was about as mutual as a break-up can get; both parties knew that things weren’t going well, and that they had different priorities in their lives at this time. They differed in that Ang was willing to keep trying, and to try harder, to turn things around and make the relationship work. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, wasn’t, because he felt they didn’t have enough in common, that they were too different. Which made it all the more absurd a few minutes later when he told Ang, “I still like hanging out with you and would like it if we could still be friends.”
Ang’s response is the reason that I, and every other person who has gotten the “I hope we can be friends,” should bow down and worship at her feet: “Oh yeah? And how is that supposed to work, considering you just told me we have nothing in common? How can you be friends with someone you have nothing in common with? Please explain it to me, because I’d love to know.”
Even my cold, black little heart can’t help but swell in delight and triumph at the blow Ang struck for everyone who’s ever been half-heartedly offered friendship as a consolation prize for being dumped. Because what Ang, her (soon-to-be ex-) boyfriend, the waitress, and everybody else knows is that 99 percent of the time, when someone tells you he or she wants to still be friends after you break up, it is complete bullshit. It’s generic, easy-out lip service that people give because they think it somehow softens the blow, that it will make them look more empathetic and kind while breaking someone’s heart. It helps them sleep better at night, because, even if they have no intention of following through, they can still whisper to themselves that at least they tried. It’s sort of like saying “God bless you” when somebody sneezes, even though you don’t believe in God; it’s something you say because it makes you feel a little better, and frankly, society expects it.
Of course, what anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of the “Let’s be friends” olive branch knows is that in the heat of a break-up, even a mutual one, the last thing you want is to be friends with your ex. Delete his number and de-friend him on Facebook? Yes. Tear up her pictures and throw out all the gifts from her? Yes. Punt his dog over a bridge into a river? Maybe. But go hang out and have a beer and shoot the shit like your bestest buds? No freaking way. Knowing that the offer is most likely insincere only adds insult to injury, and even in that rare, one percent instance when it is sincere, that the other person truly does enjoy your company and wants you in his/her life as a friend, one still doesn’t want to be offered friendship while simultaneously being told they are undesirable as a boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s just…not good timing.
I’m not saying it’s impossible for people who once dated, or were in a relationship, or were even married, to be friends. It’s even happened to me, albeit only once, in my long and illustrious history of failed relationships sealed with a pretty “Let’s be friends” bow. But it’s rare, and it only happens over time, when the deeper romantic feelings one or both parties have for each other have subsided. One has to fully process the hurt, anger and disappointment of the failed relationship and break-up before he or she can commit to developing a true friendship with a former lover. Push too hard too fast, and someone will still end up getting hurt (Ha. That’s what she said.) But seriously, I know from experience. If you break up with someone and then try to be his or her friend before you’re completely over being their significant other, you will only end up trying to fit them back into the significant other mold that you know so well, and the healing process can never fully occur. In my experience, if you really want to be friends with an ex, it helps if you’ve already gone through the period of cursing and crying and cutting up their photos.
So that is why today, I dedicate this post to Ang Freaking Brockman, for standing up for herself and throwing the brakes on the bullshit train, and not accepting the runner-up prize in the relationship sweepstakes. You are truly an inspiration, and next time you bring your sweet-ass self to Philadelphia, I am buying you a drink!
kristenm129
