all i ask…

New Year’s is fast approaching, and with it the notions of starting over, changing old habits, and making new resolutions. It is in that spirit that I offer this suggestion to the men of the world:

In 2010, let’s agree that if you have a girlfriend, fiancee, wife, etc., you don’t flirt with me, talk to me, or otherwise give me any indication that you would possibly be interested in taking me on a date and possibly making out with me. Agreed?

Awesome.

flying high

For a single woman looking for love (or a good time) in these early years of the 21st century, there are a few indispensible people that she needs to surround herself with: the sympathetic friend, on whose shoulder she can cry when things don’t work out with a guy; the realistic friend, who tells her that guy was a jackass and she can do better anyway; the platonic male friend, to whom she can go to for insight about the male psyche; the booty call, who’s always willing to give her a hand (or other body part) in the bedroom during a dry spell; and of course, the wingwoman – the co-pilot, the support system who rides shotgun with you as you navigate the treacherous waters of bars, clubs and parties trolling for a catch.

The term “wingwoman” derives from “wingman,” a term which was, according to Wikipedia, knower of all things, introduced in the 1986 movie Top Gun, and advanced in the vernacular by the 1996 movie Swingers. Wikipedia defines wingman as  “a role that a person may take when a friend needs support with approaching the opposite sex. A wingman is someone who is on the “inside” and is used to help someone with relationships.”  Wingmen have become a widely accepted social fixture in the years since the concept was first introduced; they have been featured in commercials, and have web sites devoted to them and their practices. Sadly, it seems wingwomen have gone under-appreciated on the Interwebs, which is why today I am offering The Girl’s Guide to Selecting and Being a Good Wingwoman.

*It should be noted that several of the rules listed on the Wingman Laws web site apply to wingwomen as well, i.e. always make sure you’re both looking your best, never leave a fallen pilot/wingwoman, have a rendezvous point if you get separated.

- First and foremost, you and your pilot/wingwomen must not share the same taste in men.  The pilot/wingwoman arrangement will never work if you’re both gunning for the same target.  This is all about teamwork and cooperation; there is no room for competition and sabotage here.
- Secondly, attitude is everything. A good wingwoman is open to being approached by guys; a great wingwoman is comfortable approaching guys herself. If you have to convince your wingwoman to come with you to the bar or the dance floor to start chatting up some fellas, forget it. Not only are you never going to be able to soar off victoriously into the sunset, you’re plane’s never even going to get off the runway.
- Along those same lines, a good wingwoman strikes a balance between being supportive, and a total twat-swatter (the feminine equivalent of a cock-block). I think this is one of the reasons the pilot/wingman system works better for men – they are notoriously un-picky. If it has boobs and it’s breathing, most likely there is a guy who will try to fuck it, and, 9 times out of 10, his buddy will support that mission. Conversely, women tend to have high (if not stratospheric) standards, and tend to be even more judgmental when it comes to the men their friends are eyeing. But you can’t have a wingwoman who shoots down all of your targets; it just won’t work. She also can’t automatically turn up her nose at every friend she is charged with distracting. Remember – “in it to win it” is the operative phrase here. To be a successful wingwoman, you have to take one for the team sometimes.
However, a good wingwoman is not so blindly supportive that she will not interject her opinion when it’s really, really called for. If a wingwoman knows something about a target that her pilot doesn’t, like that he has a girlfriend, herpes or a criminal record, by all means, she needs to speak up. I guess, in the end, what I’m trying to say is that the best women know how to use the “Abort Mission” button judiciously.
- Ideally, your wingwoman is also a single gal. While using a wingwoman who is taken automatically cuts out the competition factor, in order for the pilot/wingwoman formation to work, the wingwoman needs to be in it to win it as well, which can mean anything from flirting with a guy, to going home with him.
- Finally, when choosing to work with a wingwoman, it’s important to understand that you will be obligated, in the future, to return the favor. In the pilot/wingwoman relationship, everyone needs to be a switch-hitter. It’s only fair. Tonight may be your night to fly high, pilot, but next time, you’re the Goose to her Maverick.

Any other guidelines/thoughts on being a good wingwoman (or wingman)?  Feel free to share them in the comments!

he’d be perfect…if he wasn’t married

Today’s post topic comes to us courtesy of my friend Sara Gee, who I saw Saturday night when I went up to my alma mater, Kutztown University, to see the Speech and Theatre Department’s outstanding production go Sondheim’s “Company” (but more about that later.)  Before Saturday, Sara Gee had promised me blog fodder, and over a midnight breakfast of eggs and hash browns at Kutztown’s Airport Diner (the retro kitsch, the greasy food, and the consistantly irritated foreign owner never get old), she delivered.

“So, a few weeks ago, I’m in the computer lab, and I start talking to this guy at the computer next to me,” Sara said.  She started counting off on her fingers.  “He’s 29, an ex-Marine, beautiful eyes, a secondary education major – come on, could this guy be any more perfect for me?”

When this gentleman had to leave, he told Sara that he wanted to continue the conversation, so they exchanged phone numbers.  Everything went  swimmingly for a few days – Sara and this guy talked on the phone, they met up again in the coffee shop on campus, he even invited Sara to come visit him at his job as a security guard.  (She declined.)  So far, it looked as if this little Love Boat cruise is sailing on calm waters.

Until a few days later, when Sara was once again talking on the phone to this guy.  “So he asks me, ‘What exactly are you looking for here?’” Sara’s already big brown eyes grew larger.  “‘Because I’m married.’”

“Married?” I almost choked on my bacon.

“Yup,” Sara said.  “He’s married.”

To add insult to injury, this guy felt it necessary to further complicate the matter by complimenting Sara and telling her how attractive she is after dropping the bombshell that he’s MARRIED.

“Why do you have to do that?” Sara asked rhetorically.  “I don’t want you telling me how pretty you think I am.  You’re fucking MARRIED!”

Overall, Sara didn’t seem heartbroken, only disappointed and frustrated, which is completely understandable.  One of the nastiest slaps in the face you can get as a single person is to meet someone who is nice, funny, attractive, completely your type – and taken.  The sooner you find out, the better, so I guess I have to grudgingly give this guy credit for putting the brakes on relatively quickly (I also asked Sara, and she said yes, he did have a wedding ring on, although it was a titanium band, and didn’t look much like a wedding ring.  In this day and age of purity rings and promise rings and what-have-you, I just treat all hand jewelry as a potential red flag.)  However, talk about mixed messages – where the fuck does a married men get off inviting an attractive young twent-something female to visit him at work?  I don’t know for sure, but I think that’s how affairs start.

I’m not saying married people can’t have friends of the opposite sex, that married people have to retreat into their own little colony and only mix with people of their own kind.  Not at all.  But there need to be boundaries, which, at least in my observation, a lot of people have problems with.  I mean (as I said Saturday night to Sara), in what world is it appropriate for a married man to ask another woman to come visit him at his job, which includes him sitting alone in a security booth????? (Extra question marks denote a high-pitched, indignant tone of voice.)  Granted, I’ve never been married, so I don’t know – maybe there’s a learning curve for what’s apropos in a marriage.  But when (or if) I wind up in that position, I would think it would be best to err on the side of caution, because it’s a slippery slope from an innocent, friendly interaction to something more dangerous and harmful.

As for Sara Gee, after ignoring the guy for a few days, she met up with him on campus for a cup of coffee, and they decided to try to be friends.  Since Sara Gee is one of my few friends with a pretty solid moral center (no offense, guys, I have a faulty moral compass as well), I’m sure that won’t be a problem for her.  As far as finding a nice, funny, attractive SINGLE guy…well, the search continues…

the little things

Bitch though I may about being single, I have to admit, there are times when not being tied down has its perks.  Like when an attractive young man comes into my office to drop off his grad school application, and I can flirt with him (as much as possible without getting fired, at least.) I don’t believe in love at first sight or any of that bullpucky, but man, this kid had it all.  Musician?  Check.  Glasses?  Check.  Tattoos?  Check.  Smelled like he smokes three packs a day?  Check.  (People think I’m crazy, but there is something sexy about the smell of tobacco smoke).  At any rate – SWOON. I quickly informed any of my girlfriends who were online that I have successfully found my soulmate.

It’s silly, I know, to get so excited over someone I’ll probably never see again, but sometimes that’s the best part of the dating world – you get just a moment, a conversation, that gives you a thrill and puts a giddy smile on your face for the rest of the day, and that’s all you need.  For all I know this kid has a girlfriend, or is a pedophile or only has one nut.  But in my mind, he’ll just always be the cute guy who came into my office on a typical, boring Wednesday afternoon, and suddenly made my day a little brighter and more interesting.  Hey, it’s the little things in life, man.

P.S. Perhaps it’s only appropriate that, as I’m writing this, the Natasha Bedingfield song “Single” came on the radio.  You know, some days everything just falls into place…