holy awkward date, batman

Patriot, inventor, and fellow awesome Philadelphian Benjamin Franklin said (or supposedly said) that only two things in life are guaranteed – death and taxes.  I would like to add a third guarantee to that list: awkward dates. For as surely as you must pay taxes and die, if you date, you will inevitably, eventually find yourself on an awkward, painful date.

I found myself in just such a situation last week, during a first date with a young man I met through the dating web site plentyoffish.com.  In hindsight, it was partially my fault that I ended up suffering through what may possibly have been the most uncomfortable hour-and-a-half of my life.  You see, I talked on the phone to this kid (name withheld to protect the socially inept) the week before our date, and the conversation was short and a little stilted. However, he did tell me that he was on his way to the Roots concert at Penn’s Landing, so I chalked it up him being distracted, and maybe a little shy because it was the first time we were talking. Surely we would be able to have a better conversation when we were face-to-face, right?

Wrong.  Oh, how very, very wrong.  Now, mind you, on paper, this kid looked solid – works for the Philadelphia Inquirer, which to me, as a former newspaperwoman myself, found very interesting; is a big Phillies fan, likes the beach and going to concerts, and his e-mails to me were rather intelligent and well-thought-out (as dating web site e-mails go). But within thirty seconds of meeting this kid, I could tell that whatever allure he had online did not translate into the real world.

First of all was the fact that he brought me a gift. Now, maybe there are some girls out there who would read this gesture as thoughtful and cute; to me, it just screams pathetic and insecure.  Like, “Hey, I know I won’t be able to win you over with my personality, but girls like stuff, right? So look, I brought you some stuff! Like me! Please!” While there are some old-fashioned dating traditions I think we should keep (opening doors and pulling out chairs, walking a girl back to her house/car, not doing it on the first date), bringing a girl flowers/candy/anything on a first date is one we can totally lose.  (I think I’ll add that to my list of first date do’s and don’t's.)  (That said, the gift that he gave me was totally awesome. Since he works at the Inquirer, they have all the glossy reprints of important front pages, so, knowing that I’m a baseball fan, he brought me a packet of four reprints from big events in the Phillies’ history – the 1980 and 2008 World Series’ wins, the ’08 World Series preview, and the ’08 parade. Totally framing them and putting them up in my house.)

However, I would have much preferred he kept the awesome gift and instead brought a personality with him.  It was just…agonizing.  At no point during the hour-and-a-half while we were drinking beer and having food did we actually have a sustained, engaging conversation.  It went more along the lines of this:

Me: So where did you go to college?
Him: East Stroudsburg.
Me: Oh cool. That’s sort of near where I’m from. I went to Kutztown. Yay state schools!
(Silence.)
Me: So…what did you study?
Him: Marketing.
(Crickets chirp.)
Me: Marketing, that’s fun. Did you like it?
Him: Yeah.
(I excuse myself and go to the bathroom to weep quietly.)

It was the dater’s worst nightmare.  I’ve had more intelligent, interesting conversations with my 2 1/2 year old nephew. When I asked questions, he gave one word answers.  When he asked questions, I tried to give thoughtful, open-ended responses that he could pick up and respond to, but he would just nod and say “Uh-huh.”  I talked a lot, trying to buoy along the conversation.  I eventually fell silent, giving up and focusing my energy on finding ways to escape the date, rather than trying to salvage it.

Since I was going to the beach the next day and he knew it, I was able to make the excuse of, “I’m getting up really early tomorrow to leave for the beach, and I still have to pack, so I need to call it an early night” as soon as we were done eating. He blinked his weasely eyes at me (there’s no nice way of saying this – he looked like he’s going to be a pedophile in 20 years) as if he didn’t understand that I was about ready to stab my eye with a fork, but said “Ok,” and followed me onto the street, where we said our good-byes.  Without a look back, I jumped in my car and sped away.

One would think that after such a blatant shutdown, this guy would have gotten the hint that I was just not that into him, but as if to truly confirm his awkwardness, I got an e-mail from him this week, telling me that he had a good time, and he was glad we went out, and asking me how my weekend was.  Maybe he’s just being polite, and I know I should be polite, and write him back that I’m glad we met, but I don’t think we’re right for each other, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I think it might be better just to let this one pass, so it can take its place in the Awkward Date Hall of Fame (right next to my awesome framed Phillies posters.)

dating do’s and don’t's part 5: advice in general

Well folks, it’s been quite a week. We’ve talking about first dates, phone etiquette, online dating, and sex, but today I wanted to leave with the gentlemen with a few pieces of general advice to guide them through the sometimes hazardous waters of the dating pool. While nothing can guarantee romantic success, following these tips will at least ensure that fewer women will be throwing darts at your picture or bashing you mercilessly to her friends during Happy Hour. Good luck!

1. Please remember that in the early stages of dating, everything you do sends a message. Most girls will try to keep an open mind and not be judgmental, but with little information to go on about you as a person, every word or action takes on a greater significance, so bear that in mind.
2. Everyone’s sense of humor is different, so until you know that the person you’re dating is cool with offensive, off-color humor, you probably want to lay off the racial, sexual, non-PC jokes.
3. Don’t ask a girl what her bra size is within your first ten minutes of talking to her.
4. Don’t play games. Be straight-forward and honest; if you’re interested in a girl, let her know. If you’re not, politely and respectfully tell her. Save the games for the field, court or TV.
5. Don’t lie, even if you’re only doing it to “protect” the girl. Not only will she find out, she’ll be twice as furious as she would have been if you had just told her the truth from the start.
6. Do not compare the girl you are currently seeing to an ex. It is never appropriate or proper etiquette to throw her name around loosely during conversation.
7. Never end a break-up conversation with the phrase “…but I’d like it if we could still be friends.” Even if you really mean it, the moment after rejecting a girl is not the time to say it. It does not soften the blow, and only adds insult to injury. Wait until the girl stops wanting to rip out your jugular, and then broach the subject of being friends.
8. If you are in the early stages of dating a girl (i.e. are not officially in an exclusive, committed relationship) and she breaks it off, you are entitled to have your say in a polite, respectful manner. Do not become whiney, emo, nasty, antagonistic, disrespectful, stalker-ish, or, under any circumstances, cry.
9. Recognize when it’s time to admit defeat. Calling or texting a girl two weeks (or two months) after she’s stopped communicating with you will not convince her that you’re persistent and really into her; it will convince her that you’re annoying, pathetic and possibly a stalker.
10. At the end of the day, above all else, do not be the type of guy a girl has to share her box of tampons with. Nobody’s saying you have to be a closed-off emotional cripple; sharing feelings is great and an important component of a successful relationship, but one of the reasons women love men is because you’re strong, assertive, rational and supportive. Showing a softer side once in awhile is fine, but one pussy per relationship is quite enough.

do’s and don’t's

Dating is hard. At any given turn it can be frustrating, humiliating, discouraging, demoralizing, and confusing, always confusing. Luckily, me and my crack team of experts (aka my single friends) are continually out in the field doing research, and this week, I’ve decided to share some of that research with you, in the form of some do’s and don’t's. Today’s topic is First Date Do’s and Don’t's. And lest you think that this advice is facetious and and far-fetched, I would like to note that all of these scenarios have happened in real life.

- On a first date, don’t interrogate someone about why past relationships have not worked out.
- Don’t show up to a first date 20 minutes late without notifying your date, and then proceed to buy yourself a drink before coming to greet her.
- Don’t ask a girl if your first date could be a spontaneous meeting at a diner at 3 am.
- Don’t ask a girl if you’re first date can be meeting up to “make out.”
- Don’t brag excessively about the expensive gifts you used to buy your ex-girlfriend, and then go Dutch on a $30 bill.
- Do engage your date in conversation, and don’t ramble on at length about your personal belief that Vanilla Ice could have been as big as the Beatles if he made better career choices.
- Don’t show your date a video of someone puking after swallowing paprika on a dare.
- If plans are not solidified for a date, don’t expect us to wait around for your call. If we’re not going to be a priority to you, you will not be a priority to us.
- Never start out the date-arranging process by saying, “I’m not going to take you anywhere fancy.”
- Until she knows you’re not a serial killer, never arrange a date with a girl by saying, “Take the train to this stop,” and then refuse to give her any more information.

What are your first-date dealbreakers? Leave them in the comments, and check back tomorrow for Phone & Communication Etiquette!

back in the game

Excuse me, ladies and gentleman – we interrupt your salivation over Apple’s new iPad to bring you this groundbreaking development in the life of Miss Right Now: I had a date last night.

I know, I thought it would never happen again either, but following one Yahoo! Personals subscription and several completely hopeless potential matches (including a 53-year-old.  A 53-year-old! Christ, if I wanted to date my father I’d move to Alabama and do so), last night I met up with N., a 30-year-old Penn lab assistant and medical school applicant, for a beer a Monk’s Cafe.  It wasn’t love at first sight, but he was nice enough, and certainly interesting to talk to – he was born in Israel, moved to the U.S. when he was seven, and went back as an adult to work for the Jerusalem Post.  Also, he salsa dances, which could very well wind up being our second date.

Furthermore, in a classic example of “when it rains, it pours,” on Monday night, I actually managed to meet someone not online, not in a bar, but in an actual real-life environment that did not include alcohol.  This young man, who we’ll call N2, because his name also begins with an N, is performing in a reading of my ten-minute play, “Elevator Music,” and I met him Monday night at the first rehearsal.  That would have been enough, just to meet an attractive, smart young man out in the wild, so to speak…but then, he asked me to join him for a cup of coffee…and then, when I dropped him off at his apartment, and he asked if he could call me…well, let’s just say an ugly, rainy Monday had never suddenly become so beautiful.

But I shouldn’t get ahead of myself.  I am, after all, myself, and am capable of screwing up potentially good situations more spectacularly than just about anyone I know.  For now, at least, there are glimmers of hope of a future that does not involve me owning 86 cats, and if I can just keep my head on straight and my feet on the ground, maybe those glimmers will continue to grow even brighter.