a thin line between adulthood and dancing with a lampshade on your head

When you spend as much time on Facebook as I do (and as any twenty-something in an entry-level clerical position can tell you, that’s a lot of time), you start to notice certain things. Like, that you’re always the first to know when some washed-up quasi-celeb from the 80′s dies. And people love random song lyrics from indie bands you’ve never heard of. And everyone you know thinks BP is the demon spawn of Satan and Hitler.

There’s a trend on Facebook that’s become more and more apparent to me of late; that is, the statuses of my peers can be divided into two categories – statuses that are about engagements, weddings, babies and homes, and statuses about everything else. And I’m not gonna lie, folks – it’s starting to freak me out.

I’ve heard tell from those that have gone before me that this is not an unusual phenomenon. Around the time one’s mid-twenties roll around, friends and acquaintances start to split off into two camps: those that are ready to pair up, settle down and embark on the path to domestic bliss, and those that are still seeking something – the right partner, more education, a new career, or just another Happy Hour.

Obviously, you know which camp I fall into, mainly because I am still firmly ensconced in the quest for all four of those things listed above. And I’m not condescending those who have taken the plunge into marriage and mortgages. Who knows? If I had made different choices in my life, I may have been right there with you. Be who you are, I say; if you’ve found someone that you love and makes you happy, go for it. What I can’t wrap my head around is the absolute “adultness” of those actions. Who authorized us to be this grown-up? You mean we’re actually allowed to do things like get married and buy a house? We’re not just a bunch of kids playing dress-up, who will drop our adult personas as soon as Mom yells it’s time for dinner?

I balk at the idea that it’s immaturity that leads me and others like me to reject marriage, parenthood and home ownership as hallmarks we can’t or won’t achieve. I consider myself to be a pretty mature, responsible person. I work a full-time job. I live on my own and support myself. I have a car. I pay my bills on time, know how to cook three recipes really well, and I own more business-casual clothes than sweatpants. For all intents and purposes, I am an adult. But I still toe that invisible line between young adulthood, in which you’re unattached and unencumbered and still figuring things out, and full-on adulthood, in which you apparently know enough about yourself and life to make a lifetime commitment to someone else, and possibly even start raising a family of your own. It’s a fine line that more and more people my age seem to be crossing.

It can be grating at time, I’ll admit, to read updates about preparations for weddings I won’t be invite to and babies I’ll never meet. But then I remember that while they’ll be writing out thank-you notes and changing diapers, I can dance around with a lampshade on my head if I so choose. And suddenly life on this side of the fine line doesn’t seem so bad.

dating do’s & don’t's part 2: phone and communication etiquette

Welcome back to Miss Right Now’s week-long dating do’s and don’t's seminar, for the romantically-challenged out there. Yesterday we covered some first date do’s and don’t's, and today we’re going to discuss a subject near and dear to my heart – Phone and Communication Etiquette. It seems that despite all the tools we have nowadays to aid in communication, it’s more and more difficult to have a meaningful or productive exchange with a PB (“potential boo, as Angela Brockman says). Or maybe it’s that by introducing so many different forms of communication, we’ve given ourselves more ways to fuck it up.

Anyway, here are some Phone and Communication Etiquette tips:
1. Don’t think that only texting a girl before meeting her is sufficient, and don’t assume that texting is an acceptable substitute for actual conversation. It’s not.
2. A Q & A style interview via text does not count as getting to know someone.
3. Don’t ask a girl to text you pictures of herself. Ever. It’s rude and creepy.
4. Don’t text a girl a picture of yourself, especially if it’s just your naked torso, without invitation.
5. Don’t text a girl telling her to call you. Just call.
6. If you say you’re going to call, call. If you have no intention of calling, don’t say you will.
7. If a girl calls you and it isn’t a good time to talk, just say so. It’s far less insulting to a girl to ask to call her back at a more convenient time than to pause or be interrupted every ten seconds. Even more to the point, if it’s not a good time for you, don’t call her.
8. Sexting is not everyone’s cup of tea, and it should certainly never happen before you actually have had sex with a person. Best to make sure you’re both on the same page about it before you start texting her with descriptions of your hard-on.
9. If you’re not answering her phone calls or text messages, or displaying any signs of seeing her ever again, accepting a girl’s friend request on Facebook is probably just adding insult to injury, don’t you think?
10. If a girl stops responding to your texts or phone calls, take it as a sign that she’s just not that into you, and bow out gracefully.

Come back tomorrow when, in honor of Hump Day, we’ll be discussing Sexual Behavior and Physical Appearance!

help wanted

As some of you know, I am currently a grad student at Rosemont College, working on my MFA in Creative Writing.  In one of my classes this semester, Surviving as a Writer (a paradox, I know), the big final project is a non-fiction book proposal.  We don’t actually have to write the book, just come up with an idea and research it and write the proposal as if we were writing the book.  We pitched our book ideas last week, and mine was about relationships, or, more specifically, how all of our modern communication tools -  text messaging, Facebook, Twitter, online dating, etc. – have changed the dating game.  I thought of this, not because datin is the only thing I think about (although I’m sure it seems that way sometimes), but because I have  talked about this topic many, many times with friends, and I think, from an objective standpoint, it’s a fascinating subject.  The digital revolution changed the way we work, learn, communicate, and, of course, date, but how? And is it a good or bad thing?

Anyway, so today I was working on Phase II of my project, which is to research the competition  – what has already been published on this particular topic.  While there apparently hasn’t been a whole lot published on how the digitial revolution revolutionized dating, at least as far as Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Borders indicated, there is a veritable SHIT-TON of books out there on the subject of dating.  I mean, I know self-help books are a large chunk of the non-fiction publishing market, but I was still floored by the volume of written material out there about finding love, keeping love, getting over love, etc., etc.   It doesn’t matter if you’re a man, woman, teenager, cougar, divorced, gay, Christian, African-American – there is a book out there to tell you how to get laid, get a date or get married.  I’ll include some of the ones that particularly tickled my fancy at the end of this post.

The thing that was interesting to me was the realization that, if all these books are being published, then people must be buying them, which means there must be a lot of people out there who are fucked-up when it comes to relationships.  Not that this is any sort of revelation to me; obviously I know there are tons of people who are fucked-up about relationships, myself included.  It was just the shock of being confronted so blatantly with that information, you know?  Like when you get a shitty haircut, and you manage to forget about it until you pass a mirror and are reminded of what a freak you look like.  Sometimes, when you’re down in the muck and mire of the dating world, you feel like you’re the only one who doesn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground, forgetting that everyone else is just as clueless as you are.  So I guess, in a way, seeing all those titles promising “8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate” and “10 Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever,” actually made me feel a little better about myself – it’s a reminder that I’m not the only one out there who feels like she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing when it comes to romance.

So, the question is, do any of these books actually help?  Well, I guess that’s debatable.  I’ll cop to reading a few here and there, notably He’s Just Not That Into You (which modern woman hasn’t read that?) and Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey (which I just discovered there is a female rebuttal to: Act Like a Gentleman, Think Like a Woman. Add to Wish List!) and while the information in those books has been eye-opening, insightful and er, helpful, it’s always easier said than done.  I think my problem with self-help books is that I’m the type of person who is hell-bent on making her own mistakes; it is damn near impossible to tell me anything for my own good.  So while I may read a book, say to myself, “Wow, that’s smart, I should do that,” there’s only a 50% chance I will actually follow the advice when the situation arises.  Also, I think reading self-help books can be a slippery slope.  Since there’s (obviously) so many of them out there, you could spend your whole life reading advice and anecdotes, and never have time for anything else.  Not to mention that fact that I’m sure some of the books out there give conflicting advice that could end up making the reader more confused.  In the end, the information in self-help books is usually worth considering, but shouldn’t be taken too seriously.  I heard a great quote recently: “There are four things a woman should always listen to: her head, her heart, her gut and her groin.”  Now that is advice worth taking.

Kristen’s Top 10 List of Self-Help Dating Books that Actually Exist:
1. Why Men Love Bitches – From Doormat to Dreamgirl by Sherry Argov
2. How to Approach Hot Women, Date Them & Have Lots of Sex…Without Being an Asshole by Cooper Newman
3. You Lost Him at Hello: A Saleswoman’s Secrets to Closing the Deal with Any Guy You Want by Jess McCann
4. The Mack Within by Tariq Nasheed
5. Wood Nymph Seeks Centaur: A Mythological Dating Guide by Francesca Lia Block
6. Get Serious About Getting Married: 365 Proven Ways to Find Love in Less Than a Year by Janis Spindel and Karen Kelly
7. Fifty Dates Worse Than Yours by Justin Racz
8. Complete Asshole’s Guide to Handling Chicks by Dan Indante and Karl Hicks (for the description alone)
9. Before You Meet Prince Charming: A Guide to Radiant Purity by Sarah Mally (because the title made me LOL)
10. Millions of Women Are Waiting to Meet You by Sean Thomas (I actually did put this book on my wish list, because it sounds funny as hell – and I’m sure I can relate)