how dating advice is like communism

What follows is an actual Facebook conversation that occurred between me and Julie Grega earlier today:

Julie

Tips for finding Mr. Right, as seen on The Today Show

1) Sign up for at least 2 online dating sites

Me

Blechh.

Julie

2) Date at least 3 guys casually at the same time

Me

Where are you supposed to find 3 dateable men at 1 time?

Julie

3) Build up at least 2 months of regular communication before you date exclusively

That’s all.

Me

This is why I don’t watch the today show

Like, all of those suggestions are excellent in theory, but in practice, they don’t actually work.

Like communism.

Julie

Well, it’s the 4th hour with Hoda and Kathie Lee for all the stay at home moms and people without real jobs.

They also think we don ‘t have brains.

Me

Does Kathie Lee really think she’s qualified to give out dating advice? Didn’t her husband have sex with a bunch of prostitutes or something?

Julie

It was a woman who was a guest on the show.

She was also of a completely different generation than we are.

Me

Well, I still think she’s full of baloney.

Julie

Well, yes.

Me

Silly Today Show.

Julie

That’s why I’ve decided to catch up on this week’s “Glee.”

Me

Much better choice.

The End!

my two cents

I was perusing the Internets, looking for good brunch restaurants in Philadelphia, and I came across an advice column on Phillymag.com with the headline, “Can a Married Man Be Best Friends With a Woman?” How could I resist?

The question was posed to Monica Mandell, advice columnist and Director of the Philadelphia office of match-making service Selective Search, by a woman (ID’d as “KB”) whose husband of twenty years has a very close female friend, which doesn’t sit well with the wife.

According to Monica, “a man’s best friend should be his wife…When a man has a deep emotional tie to a female friend, that is worrisome…If he continues to be “best friends” with this woman then you may have a serious problem on your hands.” She encouraged the woman to have an in-depth talk with her husband about this friendship, to let him know “what changes need to be made.”

Maybe it’s just me, but I was somewhat taken aback by this advice. Now, I know I’ve said my share about emotional affairs and whatnot, and I do believe that if a partner has an emotional affair with a person outside his/her relationship, it is a betrayal of trust and a serious relationship problem that needs to be addressed. However, I also believe that there’s a difference between a best friend and an emotional affair.

One thing that struck me about Monica’s advice was that she didn’t ask KB if she was only uncomfortable with this situation because her husband’s best friend is female; or, rather, if the best friend was a guy, would KB be writing to an advice columnist about it? If KB is only uncomfortable with the notion of her husband’s best friend being female, then there are some trust issues that need to be worked through. If she’s uncomfortable with her husband having a best friend at all, regardless of gender, then KB’s got some possessiveness issues to deal with. People need friends, regardless of whether they’re married or not. I think any relationship expert worth his or her salt would tell couples that they need to have some significant people in their lives beyond their spouses.

I was also confused as to why, if KB and her husband have been married for 20 years, why is she just now acknowledging that his relationship with his best friend makes her uncomfortable? Seems to me if you can put up with something for 20 years, it’s not that big of a deal. Although it does bring up the question – is this best friend relationship new or old? If KB’s husband has been best friends with this other woman since before he and KB were married, then I’d say there’s really nothing to be uncomfortable about. If this connection is newer, then maybe I could see why it’s not sitting well with KB.

Ultimately, I do agree with Monica’s advice, in that KB should express her discomfort with the situation to her husband, because healthy relationships are based on open, honest communication (and KB can’t very well complain about her husband running to BF with emotional issues if KB won’t open up to him.) I think she should just take a moment to make sure she’s addressing this for the right reasons.

I also thought Monica’s advice to the second question (“I met a guy on an online dating site. He is from out of town and we are plannig to meet. Who should travel for the first get together?” BA, Roxborough) was off the mark. Whatever happened to a good old diplomatic meet-in-the-middle? Find a restaurant or something in a place equal distance from both parties, and arrange to meet up there. That way, one party doesn’t feel like he/she is putting in more effort than the other, you don’t have to worry about sleeping arrangements (ask a guy friend to host your date overnight? Seriously?), and if things don’t go well, you’re free to leave without feeling overly awkward.

What do you think, guys? Am I totally off my nut here, or should I keep my dating advice to myself?

guest blogger: dating do’s and don’t's – a man’s perspective

You may remember two weeks ago when I took it upon myself to offer the definitive list of dating do’s and don’t's.  As with any definitive list, nearly every reader had his or her own opinion about the advice I was offering. Some people agreed, some didn’t, and some took exception to the whole enterprise.

One such person pointed out that all the advice was directed at men. While I countered that it was because men need way more help in the dating world than women do, my friend did have a point, and since we’re all about equal opportunities here at Miss Right Now, I told him if he wanted to write his own dating tips for women, I’d be happy to publish it. So we now welcome Miss Right Now’s first-ever guest blogger (who wishes to remain anonymous) with his dating do’s and don’t's.

-Don’t be late for your first or second dates. If you’re going to be late, give us a heads up. It’d be great if you let us know you were running late before we are sitting at the bar/table/corner waiting 10 minutes for you.

-Show up in decent form to first date. Yes, I’m excited to meet you for the first time. I can, however, wait a bit so that you can go home after work to get ready. I really don’t care to meet you for the first time in your waitress/lawyer outfit/school spirit [teacher] clothes. You’ll either be smelling like food, horribly overdressed, or looking like a wannabe cheerleader.

-Have a phone conversation prior to meeting. Don’t give me the line, “‘I’m not into talking on the phone.” You don’t like it? Fine. Do it at least before meeting. What if I were some creepster? Or you sounded oddly like a man? Anyways, I usually would try to ask for the first date on the phone call.

-On the date? Bring something to talk about. I’ll come prepared to to talk. It’s not a version of 20 questions me to you [or vice versa], and not a job interview. Also, don’t start bringing randoms around you into the conversation.  I’m around to learn about you, not about the [probable] toolbags next to us.

-I’m going to pay on the first date. It’s a nice gesture if you offer half [wouldn't take you up on it], the tip [I might allow that], or a round of drinks after [definitely allow]. If by the third date you haven’t paid for anything but a round of happy hour Coors Lights, I’m going to think you are one of those girls who always expects her man to pay. Fail.

-Be clear if you’re interested in hanging again. Don’t go on a date with me, appear to have a great time, text or call a bit after, and then just disappear. You either want to see me again or you don’t. You know this before we’re even done with the first date. I get it. I have to chase you a bit. I’m probably the one who initially messeged you and asked you out, but give me a little something to work with. I’m not a mind reader, and I don’t like to make assumptions.

-Don’t push. It’s ok to wonder where things are headed, or if the other person is interested, etc., but it’s a fine balance. If you ask too early, you may seem like you’re coming on too strong. And be aware that if you ask, you may not like the answer.

-Don’t invade my space. You like me? Nice. I like you too. I’m probably looking forward to cute little messages, chats on the phone, and seeing you in person. You want to cook me dinner? Awesome. I love food. You want to cook me dinner, tell me about your whole life like I’m you’re husband, bring items to keep at my place for when you stay over…and it’s only the 3rd or 4th date? That’s a good way to get dropped, and fast. Seriously. This has got to be the biggest fail. I’m sure some people are in to it. I want to take my time in getting to know you before your makeup makes a home on my sink.

-I’m not going to meet your parents the first month I know you. So don’t invite me to your Christmas party and then let me know your parents and every friend you have is going to be there.

dating do’s and don’t's part 5: advice in general

Well folks, it’s been quite a week. We’ve talking about first dates, phone etiquette, online dating, and sex, but today I wanted to leave with the gentlemen with a few pieces of general advice to guide them through the sometimes hazardous waters of the dating pool. While nothing can guarantee romantic success, following these tips will at least ensure that fewer women will be throwing darts at your picture or bashing you mercilessly to her friends during Happy Hour. Good luck!

1. Please remember that in the early stages of dating, everything you do sends a message. Most girls will try to keep an open mind and not be judgmental, but with little information to go on about you as a person, every word or action takes on a greater significance, so bear that in mind.
2. Everyone’s sense of humor is different, so until you know that the person you’re dating is cool with offensive, off-color humor, you probably want to lay off the racial, sexual, non-PC jokes.
3. Don’t ask a girl what her bra size is within your first ten minutes of talking to her.
4. Don’t play games. Be straight-forward and honest; if you’re interested in a girl, let her know. If you’re not, politely and respectfully tell her. Save the games for the field, court or TV.
5. Don’t lie, even if you’re only doing it to “protect” the girl. Not only will she find out, she’ll be twice as furious as she would have been if you had just told her the truth from the start.
6. Do not compare the girl you are currently seeing to an ex. It is never appropriate or proper etiquette to throw her name around loosely during conversation.
7. Never end a break-up conversation with the phrase “…but I’d like it if we could still be friends.” Even if you really mean it, the moment after rejecting a girl is not the time to say it. It does not soften the blow, and only adds insult to injury. Wait until the girl stops wanting to rip out your jugular, and then broach the subject of being friends.
8. If you are in the early stages of dating a girl (i.e. are not officially in an exclusive, committed relationship) and she breaks it off, you are entitled to have your say in a polite, respectful manner. Do not become whiney, emo, nasty, antagonistic, disrespectful, stalker-ish, or, under any circumstances, cry.
9. Recognize when it’s time to admit defeat. Calling or texting a girl two weeks (or two months) after she’s stopped communicating with you will not convince her that you’re persistent and really into her; it will convince her that you’re annoying, pathetic and possibly a stalker.
10. At the end of the day, above all else, do not be the type of guy a girl has to share her box of tampons with. Nobody’s saying you have to be a closed-off emotional cripple; sharing feelings is great and an important component of a successful relationship, but one of the reasons women love men is because you’re strong, assertive, rational and supportive. Showing a softer side once in awhile is fine, but one pussy per relationship is quite enough.

dating do’s and don’t's part 4: online dating

Ah, the Internet. A relatively new invention in the grand scheme of time, it’s given us so many wonderful things. The ability to connect and communicate with people around the world at the click of a button. A quick, convenient way to access information from all of the world’s sources. This: And of course, online dating, the popularity and pervasiveness of which has reached such epic proportions that for many people, it’s impossible to imagine a time when relationships actually started by people meeting, you know, in person. While online dating may seem like an easy way to find true love, as anyone who’s ever tried it knows, it’s like the Wild Wild West with no discernible rules or etiquette. So here are a few tips:

1. Use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation in your online profile. If you write like a five-year-old, most girls will assume you have the intelligence and maturity of a five-year-old.
2. Don’t write LOL after every statement in your profile.  Better yet, don’t write LOL at all within your profile.
3. A profile shouldn’t be a novel, but it should also provide enough information for a girl to make an informed decision about whether or not you’re right for each other, and should highlight what is unique about you. So you like movies, going out to eat, and hanging out with friends? Congratulations, you’ve just described every man on the planet age 10 to death.
4. Don’t contradict yourself in your profile. For example, if you say you don’t smoke, and there’s a photo of you with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth, it won’t take long for a girl to figure out you’re full of shit.
5. If you send an e-mail to a girl and she doesn’t reply within a week, it means she’s not interested and you should move on. If she doesn’t respond positively the first time, do you really think the fifth message is going to make her sit up and say, “Yes, this person is my true love!” ?
6. A message saying “Hey baby gurl, what’s up?” is not as much of a turn on as you think.
7. Posting a full body shot is fine.  Posting a half body shot where the focus is your junk is not fine.
8. Pictures of yourself that you shouldn’t post on your profile: pictures in which you are passed out over a toilet, wearing a Santa costumes (or any costume, for that matter), clearly inebriated, clearly sleeping, looking cozy with another girl, are in a bathroom taking the picture in the mirror with your camera phone, or from when you were five years younger and 20 pounds lighter.
9. If the girl has to be the one to buy the alcohol for your dates, purely for the reason that you legally can’t, you probably shouldn’t message her.
10. Remember what you learned in kindergarten – if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. If you read a girl’s profile and think she sounds boring, crazy, high-maintenance, stupid, conceited, etc., just close her page and move on. Girls overlook stupid shit all the time, you should too.

dating do’s and don’t's pt. 3: sexual behavior and physical appearance

In honor of it being 6/9 and Hump Day (although this is pure coincidence and I didn’t plan for this at all) today’s Do’s and Don’t's list covers the sticky (ahem) subjects of Sexual Behavior and Physical Appearance. Enjoy!

1. Do not EVER ask a girl during your first sexual encounter with her if you can have sex without a condom.  Furthermore, don’t try to trick the girl by sticking it in without a condom.
2. If you’ve just begun sleeping with a girl, don’t automatically assume you’re spending the night. Wait for an invitation before you start asking her what you’re having for breakfast.
3. Never ask a girl to spend the night on your couch or in another bedroom. Either invite her to spend the night or don’t. Anything in between is just insulting.
4. Don’t put your finger up a girl’s butthole.  We don’t know who told you this was a good idea, but it’s not.
5.  When having sex with a girl for the first time, it’s natural to want to put your best foot forward and impress her. This does not mean, however, that you need to try every move in the Kama Sutra on the first night. Having sex with a new person is awkward enough without trying to spin around on your head blindfolded while saying the ABC’s backwards.
6.  If you are deemed a bad kisser, do not expect another date. Practice on your hand, your pillow, whatever; by the time you’re an adult, you should know how to plant a decent kiss on a girl.
7. Don’t ask a girl to compare the size of your junk to that of her sex toys and/or past lovers.
8. Dry humping ceased to be acceptable when you graduated high school.
9.  Don’t have moobs. We understand that everybody’s body type is different, and no one is perfect, but your tits should not be bigger than your lady friend’s. Sorry.
10. Taking pride in your personal appearance is important, but don’t ever stop a girl in the middle of a romantic rendezvous to tell her “Don’t mess up my hair.”

Come back tomorrow for advice on the wonderful world of online dating!

dating do’s & don’t's part 2: phone and communication etiquette

Welcome back to Miss Right Now’s week-long dating do’s and don’t's seminar, for the romantically-challenged out there. Yesterday we covered some first date do’s and don’t's, and today we’re going to discuss a subject near and dear to my heart – Phone and Communication Etiquette. It seems that despite all the tools we have nowadays to aid in communication, it’s more and more difficult to have a meaningful or productive exchange with a PB (“potential boo, as Angela Brockman says). Or maybe it’s that by introducing so many different forms of communication, we’ve given ourselves more ways to fuck it up.

Anyway, here are some Phone and Communication Etiquette tips:
1. Don’t think that only texting a girl before meeting her is sufficient, and don’t assume that texting is an acceptable substitute for actual conversation. It’s not.
2. A Q & A style interview via text does not count as getting to know someone.
3. Don’t ask a girl to text you pictures of herself. Ever. It’s rude and creepy.
4. Don’t text a girl a picture of yourself, especially if it’s just your naked torso, without invitation.
5. Don’t text a girl telling her to call you. Just call.
6. If you say you’re going to call, call. If you have no intention of calling, don’t say you will.
7. If a girl calls you and it isn’t a good time to talk, just say so. It’s far less insulting to a girl to ask to call her back at a more convenient time than to pause or be interrupted every ten seconds. Even more to the point, if it’s not a good time for you, don’t call her.
8. Sexting is not everyone’s cup of tea, and it should certainly never happen before you actually have had sex with a person. Best to make sure you’re both on the same page about it before you start texting her with descriptions of your hard-on.
9. If you’re not answering her phone calls or text messages, or displaying any signs of seeing her ever again, accepting a girl’s friend request on Facebook is probably just adding insult to injury, don’t you think?
10. If a girl stops responding to your texts or phone calls, take it as a sign that she’s just not that into you, and bow out gracefully.

Come back tomorrow when, in honor of Hump Day, we’ll be discussing Sexual Behavior and Physical Appearance!

under advisement

I found this article last weekend, but it was lost in the shuffle over the revelation that women tend to be more attracted to stronger men. However, I think it is worth repeating, so here are the “8 Dating Mistakes Even Smart Women Make.”

Ok, most of these tips seem like no-brainers, but as anyone who has spent any length of time on the battlefield known as the dating scene knows, it’s easy to get bogged down with the everyday miasma of modern relationships, from mixed messages to tool-erific dates, and lose sight of the basic principles of courtship. Every once in awhile, it’s helpful to hit refresh and remind yourself that common sense and civility can go a long way in making the dating world more bearable and successful.

That said, the thing I always think about when I read articles like this is, Where are the “8 Dating Mistakes Even Smart MEN make?” Because believe me, they make mistakes (ain’t nobody here pretending men are perfect and blameless when it comes to bad dates and bad relationships, so don’t even try), but I don’t recall seeing very many articles in my rather well-read life offering helpful hints to men to make them more desirable dates. Is it that there’s no market for it? While most men are big fans of physical improvement, they are notoriously adverse to touchy-feely crap like emotional development. Let’s face it, if a man does something and it gets him laid once, he’ll keep doing the same thing for the rest of his natural-born life.

Or maybe men out there are yearning for some solid advice on how to be a better date, boyfriend, lover, etc., it’s just that no one’s providing it. So what are the “8 Dating Mistakes Even Smart Men Make”? May be something to ponder on a rainy spring weekend. Stay tuned…