the bad touch

Here’s a fun debate: monogamy – is it a logical course for humans, or are we going against our natural instincts by committing to one person for our entire lives?

An opinion piece on CNN.com yesterday examined that question, and drew conclusions that leaned towards the latter. In the article, writer Christopher Ryan points out that thousands of years ago, before the widespread use of agriculture enticed humans to leave behind their nomadic ways for a more sedentary civilization, monogamy was a completely unheard-of concept. Men mated with as many women as possible, not because they were crazy about poontang (although they probably were) but to ensure the survival of the species in very harsh, unsafe circumstances, while women collectively cared for all of the children, regardless of their parentage, so that the men could hunt and protect the community. For nomads, this sort of lifestyle made perfect sense; it was imperative that everyone worked together to ensure survival. It wasn’t until people settled down, started accumulating property, and work became specialized that who was sleeping with whom and who was your baby daddy became such a big issue.

Ryan doesn’t mention this, but I think it’s worth noting that the invention and evolution of marriage (because despite what every conservative, anti-gay marriage pundit will tell you, God did not invent marriage anymore than Al Gore invented the Internet. Marriage is completely a human-created institution) has had a huge influence on the importance of monogamy in our society. Whether a marriage is arranged for financial, political, practical or emotional reasons, the notion that the two parties involved will be faithful is one of the key factors.

But are we, as human beings, capable of upholding that high standard we’ve set for ourselves? Obviously, some people are – not everyone cheats. But what about those who do? Is it a dark and sinister practice designed to wreak havoc on relationships, or is it just going with nature’s flow? After all, fighting thousands of years of biology is an uphill battle; by pushing monogamy, are humans just setting ourselves up for failure?

Obviously, because of the way our society works now, there’s a strong argument to be made for pro-monogamy. We don’t live in a communal society where everything – food, property, childcare – is shared, so it’s beneficial to have one specific partner to help out with those things. Studies have shown that children are better off when they have two parents in the home, and having a significant other provides many emotional, mental and physical benefits.

But there’s more to it than that. Practicing monogamy is another way that humans distance ourselves from the animals from which we evolved. It appears that, after 200,000 years or so, humans kind of think we’re better than animals, and running around saying “Look, look! I only have sex with one person! ONE PERSON!” is one way to exhibit that (not flinging our feces at each other also works). But try as we might to distance ourselves from our mammalian ancestors, by building civilizations, exploring the natural world, creating brilliant works of literature, art, science and technology, we can’t ever forget -we are animals. Instinct is a powerful thing. It’s like when everyone acts all surprised when the trained tiger goes nuts and tries to bite Roy’s head off – sure, he’s trained, but he’s still a tiger, and from time to time, he’s going to act like a tiger and try to eat people. Same with humans. Sure, we’re trained to accept and practice from monogamy, but it’s reasonable to expect that, from time to time, we may act like the animals we are, and try to mount the nearest living creature that looks fertile. We just like to think we’re above that sort of behavior.

And so the debate continues, and probably will as long as humans are, well, human. Because I don’t think robots have these kinds of problems.

what the backstreet boys taught me about dating

I make no secret, on this blog or elsewhere in my life, of my deep and abiding love for the Backstreet Boys. This weekend, as I celebrated that love by seeing the Boys in concert yet again, I was reminded of the huge influence they have had on my life. Their music has provided me with comfort and solace during several dark periods of my life, they continue to amuse me with their general ridiculousness, and they taught me several important lessons about men, love and dating.

You see, when I first became a Backstreet Boys fan at the tender age of 13, I knew nothing of the world of romance. I was an innocent. (And how. I had never seen AJ McLean hump a stage, an event which I to this day blame for my eventual descent into debauchery.) However, over the next twelve years, like five golden-voiced Yodas, the Backstreet Boys and their music taught me much about the ways of the world. I now present you with “What the Backstreet Boys Taught Me About Dating”:

1. Boys have one-track minds. (“Boys Will Be Boys,” Backstreet Boys, 1996)
Hey! Guess what? Boys like sex! A lot! And not just guys who are 20-years-old (the average age of the Backstreet Boys when this song was recorded. Yes, I figured it out.) but like, 99.9% of guys ages 10 to death. And they will use whatever means necessary to get you to have sex with them. In this track from their 1996 debut European album, the Boys use lines like “My body’s callin’ for you/So please don’t hesitate” to try to coerce their way into a girl’s pants, blaming their rampant horniness on the adage that “boys will be boys” (and the fact that their average age was 20.6 at the time this song was recorded). But the song fails to mention what happens once the girl does give up the goods – not only does the boy’s body stop calling for you, he stops calling you altogether. The moral of the story? Make him work for it, girl, no matter how many times he tries to sweet talk you with lines like “You’ve got something/So incredible in my eyes.”

2. Bad boys do it better. (“If You Want It to Be Good Girl (Get Yourself a Bad Boy),” Backstreet Boys, 1997)
Nice guys always wonder why girls are drawn to the “bad boy.” Blame it on songs like this. Being told that a bad boy is the one to go to “If you really like it hot/Someone who hits the spot,” suddenly makes all those googly-eyed nice guys seem so…unsatisfying. Sure, a sweet, considerate guy will gently make love to you while looking deep into your eyes, but only someone who’s a little rough around the edges will do things to you that are illegal in 26 states and render you incapable of speech for a good 20 minutes. The lesson? If you want someone to change your tires, find a nice guy. If you want someone to make your toes curl and your eyeballs roll back in your head, get yourself a bad boy.

3. If you’re really in love with someone, your pasts don’t matter. (“As Long as You Love Me,” Backstreet Boys, 1997)
Everybody has some skeletons in his or her closet. An emotionally scarring upbringing. A really crazy Spring Break week in Cancun. Paris Hilton. But what the Boys are saying here is that if you love someone in the here and now, none of that matters. Maybe not the best defense when trying to explain why there are pictures of you naked with a donkey on Facebook, “As Long As You Love Me’s” message is one of forgiveness for sins committed long before you and your lover were glimmers in each other’s eyes. So forget about the past, look to the future, and keep on suppressing those herpes outbreaks, and everyone will be A-OK.

4. Boys tend to be very confusing and ambiguous about what they want. (“I Want It That Way,” Millennium, 1999)
The Backstreet Boys’ first worldwide #1 hit, “I Want It That Way” has become the band’s signature song – and yet, eleven years later, no one really has any clue what the fuck they’re talking about. While we know for sure it involves heartaches and mistakes, fires and desires, the Boys never clearly define what “it” is or what “way” they specifically want it. Rhodes scholars have debated it for years, but women know better – it’s because men generally really have no idea what they want, and, on the off chance they do, they are completely incapable of expressing it. The Backstreet Boys actually did generations of women a favor by releasing this song, and giving women a chance to practice decoding a guy’s mixed messages, since we’d be doing it for the rest of our lives anyway.

5. If your significant other calls to tell you not to wait up for him, and his phone battery “dies,” he’s probably cheating on you. (“The Call,” Black & Blue. 2000)
Not to encourage paranoia in an already fear-mongering age, but the moral of this story is simple – if your significant other’s acting shady, chances are he or she is being fucking shady. Sure, everyone’s experienced the utter sense of despair and dismay upon hearing their phone’s surprisingly perky “low battery” beep, and it shouldn’t be an immediate cause for concern for your better half. However, a confluence of bullshit such as this song describes (“I’m out with my boys, but I’m not telling you where we’re going, but don’t wait up for me, and for good measure, my phone’s dying, so don’t call me while I’m mid-coitus with a stripper whose real name I don’t know.”) is a good indicator that some dirt is being covered up. Of course, the other lesson here is that if you lie, you will get caught. Overall, what we should take away from “The Call” is that it’s better to stay on the up-and-up, and make sure your phone battery’s always charged.

6. Boys love to rescue a hot mess in distress… (“The One,” Millennium, 1999; “Poster Girl,” Never Gone, 2005; “One in a Million,” Unbreakable, 2007)
At some point in my life, I got this notion in my head that men found confident, intelligent, self-sufficient, independent women attractive and alluring. The funny thing is, the older I get, the more I realized the exact opposite is true. Oh sure, guys will say they don’t like girls who bring drama, are clingy, and need constant attention, but boys like (more about that later). The fact is, no matter what they say, guys clearly get off by swooping in on a white horse to be the “helping hand to make it right” whether it’s because your car won’t start and you hate your job at Starbucks, or you’re a fatalistic hipster with an exhibitionist streak. The lesson? Unleashing your inner crazy is the key to romantic success, ladies!

7. …but they will only put up with your shit for so long. (“Quit Playing Games (With My Heart),” Backstreet Boys, 1997; “Don’t Want You Back,” Millennium, 1999;  “Treat Me Right,” Unbreakable, 2007; “Bye Bye Love,” This Is Us, 2009)
Of course, while guys make like a girl crazy enough to do it in an elevator, they have their limits for how much ape-shittiness they will tolerate (the line of demarcation seems to fall somewhere around boning another dude, or at least being very indecisive about which dude you’d like to bone). You see, apparently boys have feelings too, and they don’t like being lied to, cheated on, or jerked around. Wow, whoever thought that those things would totally suck?

8. At some point in the life of every man, he will act like a complete tool, and subsequently try to make it up to you. (“Shape of My Heart,” Black & Blue, 2000; “Crawling Back to You,” Never Gone, 2005; “Bigger,” This Is Us, 2009)
Basically, the message the Boys are trying to send to their hordes of impressionable young female fans with these songs is, “Look, sometimes guys will act like complete shits. We’re human too; we’re fallible. And every once in a blue moon, we might realize and acknowledge that we acted like shits, and try to make it up to you by writing you a pretty song about how we’re sorry we were shits.” I mean, not like a guy has ever admitted to me that he screwed up, but at least I had advanced warning that he would.

9. Boys lie. A lot. (“I’ll Never Break Your Heart,” Backstreet Boys, 1997)
Perhaps the hardest lesson of all to learn. In 1998, when the Backstreet Boys first said “I’ll never break your heart/I’ll never make you cry/I’d rather die than live without you,” who were we to question? Surely this was how all boys felt – they were good and true, and they’d go to any lengths to avoid hurting girls like us. Imagine then, what a surprise it was when boys did in fact break our hearts, make us cry, and go on living without us in perfect health and happiness. Those hearts, which we were promised would never be broken, slowly hardened into bitter, margarita-soaked stones as we came to the painful, dispiriting revelation that boys will say a lot of things, and not all of them will be true.

10. Love will drive you fucking nuts. (“Climbing the Walls,” Never Gone, 2005; “Love Will Keep You Up All Night,” Unbreakable, 2007)
You want more proof? Read this blog.

there’s an app for that

In what may be the most important article ever published in the history of the world, Yahoo! Personals has brought us the seven tips for preventing an affair, which, unsurprisingly, include such pearls of wisdom as “avoid complacency” and “find time for each other.”  (Sigh.  It’s hard work being this snarky all the time.)

While these tips are pretty common sense, judging from the amount of infidelity that happens in relationships, people do needed to be reminded from time to time about how to have a healthy, functional, faithful relationship.  I also found personal validation through this article, as author Sandra Rivkin confirmed what I’ve been saying all along – that “Cheating is caused by one single factor: ‘Lack.’ In a relationship, it’s a lack of love, attention, intimacy, recognition, respect, and connection that builds up over time.”  And I didn’t even need a post-graduate degree to figure that one out.  Take that, Sandra Rivkin.

I would also like to add one more tip for preventing an affair to Rivkin’s list: don’t let your spouse download this app.  Now if only there was an app for keeping it in your pants.

the others

I have a friend, who shall remain nameless because of the somewhat sensitive nature of the subject, who is in a bit of a moral quandary  – to be the other woman, or not to be the other woman.

In a nutshell, here’s the backstory – for about a year, my friend (who is single) has been friends with this guy (let’s call him Bob) who works at the same place she does (although they’re not quite co-workers. It’s complicated.)  Anyway, the relationship between my friend and Bob was always a little flirtatious, and for a period my friend did have a crush on him, although it was pretty much a moot point since he had a girlfriend.  That is, until the sexual tension boiled over just before Christmas, and Bob and my friend ended up sleeping together.  Oops.

Not long after it happened, when my friend and I were discussing this new development, she was adamant that it was a one-time only occurrence, and that she didn’t want to get involved in a love triangle with him and his girlfriend.

“Obviously, there are problems in his relationship, or he wouldn’t be having sex with me,” she said.  “But then he either needs to deal with those problems, or leave her.  And I’ve realized that, while we’re friends and he’s a cool guy, I do not want to be his girlfriend.  So I’m just taking myself out of the picture so if he wants to fix things with her, he can.”

A few weeks have passed since that conversation.  While I was talking to my friend today, she gave me an update on the situation, and, as it happens, her tune is changing a bit.

“Part of the Sarah Palin-crazy in me thinks I should just sleep with him, since there are apparently no relationship standards,” she wrote.  “What the fuck is the difference anymore?”

That’s a good question, as is the larger question it begets – is it so bad to be the other woman?

Ok, yes, it has its disadvantages, like the fact that your relationship is built on lies and secrecy and dishonesty and will almost certainly never be legit, which can lead to irrevocable emotional damage, social ostracism, and this (FF to 1:58):

But…but…if your expectations are low, you can look out for yourself and your feelings, and you’re not a psychopath, sometimes you just have to ask yourself, “Why not?”

Maybe I’m the devil’s advocate.  Maybe I’m just a morally bankrupt person.  But as I said to my friend, “If he doesn’t care about the well-being of his relationship, why should you?”

Cheating is wrong.  I fervently and strongly believe that if you are in a relationship, you owe it to your partner to be one hundred percent faithful, and if you can’t be, then you owe it to your partner to address the root cause of that infidelity.  But what about when you’re the third point in the triangle, the other person?   Are you doing wrong, or have you just landed in the best position possible – a no-strings-attached, no commitment bacchanalia of sex and fun?

Thoughts?

stand by your man?

Elin Nordegren Woods, take note: on Saturday, Time published this article about Jenny Sanford, the (soon-to-be ex-) wife  of (possibly-soon-to-be ex-) governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford, who, you may recall, disappeared for five days in June to do the forbidden tango with his Argentinian mistress, alienating a hell of a lot of people and earning himself a nomination for “Top Fail of 2009” in the process.

As I have stated in the past, I’m not really one for dissecting the complicated tangles of celebrities’ and politicians’ love lives – if someone is sleeping another person besides his or her spouse, I really don’t see how that is anybody’s business besides the cheater, the cheatee, and the person who is being cheated on.  However, of Jenny Sanford, I will say – You go, girl!

I don’t know about you, but between Hillary, Elizabeth Edwards, Silda Spitzer, et. al., I was getting pretty sick and tired of seeing wife after wife roll over and shimmy up to the podium to “show support” for her lying, cheating sack of scum husband as he apologized for his dalliances with interns, call girls and campaign aides.  It’s about time one of these wronged women had the cajones to say, “Umm…you know what, douchebag?  You’re on  your own for this one.”

I know, I know, who am I to judge how these women handle their personal affairs?  I’m sure they all had their own very sound reasons for choosing to stand by their man, instead of throwing him to the wolves.  Perhaps it was a woman’s, and, more to the point, a mother’s instinct to protect – presenting a united front not for the satisfaction of the salivating public and press, but for the comfort and security of her children.  Perhaps it was for political gain, either his or hers (*cough*Hillary*coughcough*).

Undoubtedly, the public’s reaction to these displays of devotion were not high on the priority list for these women, which is understandable – they had some more important things on their mind.  But the fact remains that by publicly supporting their husbands following indiscretions, these women sent a message to women all around the world – no matter how much inappropriate, immoral and just plain bad behavior they engage in, men still always come first.

But now, thankfully (or maybe I should say, hopefully), Jenny Sanford has blazed a new trail for wronged women everywhere, showing them that you can be graceful and dignified while essentially telling your husband, “Fuck you, you cheating piece of shit. And by the way, I’m leaving with half your shit.”

gray matters

Not surprisingly, the assertion in yesterday’s post that “It’s not cheating if it doesn’t happen in a bed” garnered a “WTF?” response (although only one, which I’m kind of suspicious about.  Either y’all are not reading this blog, or my friends have more questionable morals than I thought.)  In any event, I feel like I should clarify that obviously this is a joke, akin to the urban legend that if it happens in another area code, it’s not cheating (although really, feel free to spread it around.  I would love for someone to actually try and use this theory to defend infidelity.)

It does, however, bring up the always debateable question of what DOES constitute cheating.  We’ve already tackled why people in relationships commit infidelities, but the how of the indiscretion is another matter.

In thinking about it, what constitutes cheating and what constitutes sex are kind of the same question, insofar as most everyone agrees that good, old-fashioned vaginal intercourse is sex, as well as cheating.  However, outside of that, all bets are off and it becomes a matter of opinion.

Is oral or anal sex cheating? Does it depend on who is giving and who is receiving?  What about kissing?  And is there a difference between one kiss and a full-on makeout session?  What about if you’re straight, but you hook up with someone of the same sex? Does cheating even have to include physical contact?  What about flirting?  Sexting or cyber-sex? Or an emotional affair?  If you don’t actually touch, is it cheating?

See what I mean? It’s one great big gray area.

In search of answers, I turned to (what else?) the Internets, and discovered that (obviously) there are a lot of differeing ideas and opinions out there about this subject.  RomanceClass.com’s aptly titled “What is Cheating” article gave one of the best definitions of cheating that I’ve ever seen: “Cheating is about betraying trust, and about not honoring the commitment that two people have made to each other.”   I think that sums it up pretty well, because betraying trust and disrespecting commitment can happen in a lot of ways – fucking someone besides your significant other  (regardless of where the encounter takes place) can certainly be considered a betrayal of trust, considering (most) relationships are built on the understanding that you only fuck each other.  But it can also be done by being more emotionally open with someone besides your significant other, or by, as the article says, making someone else your priority while still in a relationship.

I also found an interesting article on AskMen.com that pointed out that some people consider one form of cheating “worse” than another, and that this difference of opinion is somewhat drawn along gender lines, which, when you think about it, makes sense to a degree.  Women tend to broaden the scope of cheating beyond physical contact to include emotional betrayals because, let’s face it, we’re typically more in touch with our feelings than men are.  To women, it might be more hurtful if a boyfriend/fiance/husband is confiding deep secrets to another woman, rather than just having sex with her, because it means as a female companion, she is not fulfilling her need as an emotional counterpart.  I also feel that, in the interest of fairness and objectivity, I have to say that there are women out there who feel a physical betrayal is less offensive than an emotional one, because guys can only think with one head at a time, and it’s not always the one attached to their neck.  I know how anti-feminist that sounds, and believe me, that excuse would never fly with me if a significant other had sex with another woman, but there you have it.

I think men, on the other hand, tend to place more importance on the physical betrayals because that is their realm.  If a man’s significant other is going elsewhere for sexual satisfaction, it means he’s not pleasing her, and that is a big blow to his masculine ego.  Also, I think it’s a lot harder for men to grasp the importance of emotional honesty and communication in a relationship.  Therefore, a guy might not see why it’s a problem to be divulging sensitive emotional information to a girl who is not his significant other, or might not be as bothered to learn that his girlfriend has a deep emotional connection with another guy, as long as there’s no physical contact involved.  Hell, I know guys who would probably be HAPPIER if their significant others had emotional affairs, so they wouldn’t be forced to have touchy-feely conversations about feelings and thoughts.

Even this speculation is still far too general, though.  At the end of the day, what counts as cheating is different to every individual.  A good barometer that I’ve always heard is, “If I’m doing something that I would be upset at my significant other for doing, it’s cheating.”  Basically the relationship version of the Golden Rule.  It’s not a one size fits all deal, and I don’t think it has to be.  Really, the’re’s only two people who need to agree on a definition of cheating – the two people in a relationship with each other.

What do YOU think is cheating?  I’d love to know, so feel free to leave comments!

pearls of wisdom

There was a movie that came out awhile back called What Happens in Vegas, with Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz.  It was a fairly formulaic, milquetoast rom-com in which Kutcher and Diaz meet in Vegas, get drunk, get married and then try to get divorced, but in the end realize that, since they are both beautiful, vapid people, they are obviously meant to be together forever.  Whatever.  The only thing I really remember about this movie is one particular line that I have actually found myself using in real life (or at least my version of real life).  After Diaz’s character realizes what she did during her night of Sin City debauchery she says to her (obligatory snarky and quirky) best friend, “Was there any part of the night when you thought, ‘Hey, this would be a really good time for an intervention?’”

I was reminded of this quote again last night during a girls’ night out with my friends Julie, Carly, Jess and my two new bffs, Jess’ friends Mandy and Jill.  While luckily the night did not end in anyone needing an intervention, the subject of when, as a friend, you should intervene and when you should keep your trap shut did come up between Julie, Carly and I over our pints of lager.

Anyone who has ever had a friend, ever, knows what I’m talking about.  There is a fine line between being a concerned, caring friend and being straight-up nosy, bossy and judgmental, and sometimes that fine line becomes even blurrier.  Nobody (or almost nobody, I guess I should say) wants to be the overbearing friend who knows it all, including the best way for her friends to live their lives.  Frankly, if you’re like that, before too long, you won’t have many friends.  But obviously, part of the job description of a friend is to, you know, be involved in your friends’ lives, and look out for them and help them when they need it.  Some issues are easily addressed; it’s pretty easy to tell a friend, “Hey, I appreciate your chutzpah, but pleather zebra print leggings just aren’t a good look for you.”  But when you get into the murky waters of anything very personal and close-to-the heart – careers, families, and of course relationships – well, it’s very easy to get in over your head.

Experience helps in these situations.  I feel like the older I get, and the more crises I deal with, the better I become at judging when I should speak up versus when I should shut up.  Also, with experience comes the trust in your friends that they will make the right decisions in most cases (or at least you know the type of situations in which your friends will not make good decisions, so you can preemptively intervene.)  And you have to remind yourself that the best way for people to learn is through experience, including bad experiences.  No matter how much you may want to save a friend from making a bad choice, sometimes you have to let them make it, in order for them to learn and grow as a person.  As a friend, the best thing you can do is just be there to catch them when (or if) they fall.

At this point in my life, when it comes to intervening in my friends’ lives, I usually wait for one of two situations: a) When they ask for me advice or b) When it’s ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY  (and believe me, it’s very, very obvious when it it becomes ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY).  Otherwise, I try to keep my mouth shut.  Anyone who knows me knows how hard that can be sometimes (no comments from the peanut gallery) but I try to because of the Golden Rule: Do unto others has you would have them do to you.  Or, less esoterically, because I am stubborn as hell and am the world’s worst person to give advice to.  But they keep trying, because they love me, and that is why I love them.

Last night when Carly, Julie and I were talking, the subject of my first boyfriend, whom I dated for two years in high school, came up. Carly brought up the time when she and a few other friends tried to inform me that this guy was cheating on me.  I was having none of it.  NONE.  OF.  IT.   I can’t remember all of the exact details (this was about seven or eight years ago) but I do recall tears, cursing, shrieking – you know, all the usual teenage girl histrionics.  Carly said how hard it was for her to come to me and tell me that, because she didn’t want to get all up in MY business, and she knew I wouldn’t react well (good call.)

“So, after I told you and you freaked out, I kind of dropped it after that,” Carly remembered last night.  “You know, I kind of cracked the door, peeked in, and when I realized it wasn’t going to work, I just backed off.  I knew you would figure it out eventually.”

Which I did, as evidenced by the fact that I broke up with that guy senior of high school, and Carly and I are still bffs today.  I may not have been willing to see it then, but that day in the hallways of Hazleton Area High School, Carly was only looking out for my best interest, which is really what it all comes down to, I guess.  Sometimes it’s hard to speak up, and sometimes it’s hard to listen, but if the words are coming from a place of genuine concern, then it’s always worth it.  I think a measure of true friendship is when one friend tells you something she knows you don’t want to hear, because she knows as a friend, she has to, and when you remain friends with her because, even though you didn’t want to hear what she had to say, you respect and love her for caring enough to say it.

Ok, so on a less sappy, saccharine note, here are two other pearls of wisdom that came out of girls’ night:

1. Fuck me boots have been rechristened “Sexy me” boots.  Because the boots don’t make you sexy – you make the boots sexy.

2. It’s not cheating if it doesn’t happen in a bed.

Thanks, girls!

screaming infidelities

Ah, Monday again.  Whilst sadly, I do not have tales of another Octo-date (thank you, Lembo) with which to regale you, it was an interesting weekend, at least from an observer’s point of view.  I spent a lot of time talking to a lot of people about relationships (apparently, the stars and moon and planets aligned perfectly this weekend for everyone’s lives to just go ka-blooey) which, at least for the purpose of this li’l ol’ blog, is always a good thing.

Today, for your consideration, we have the story of my friend Julie, who this weekend succeeded in consummating a flirtatious tryst with a long-time friend and crush.  Great success, right?  Well, not quite,  as the guy in question (who has never shied away from being flirty, romantic, or teasing in this relationship) is currently sort-of-but-not-quite seeing another girl who lives out of state.  They’re not official, so technically he didn’t do anything wrong – except for ensnare Julie in a tangled web of sex, deceit and confused.

“What should I do? I don’t know what he wants!” Julie cried of a glass of wine at my house last night.  (Oh, gee, where have I heard this before?)

“Here’s the thing,” I said, trying, despite all evidence to the contrary, to be the voice of reason, “he can’t really be that into that girl if he’s fucking you.“

I’ve actually been saying this, or some variation thereof, for years.  I feel like this is one of those universal relationship truths – if you are having sex with someone besides your significant other, then you are just not that into your significant other, regardless of what you tell yourself.

Now, obviously, I know we’re all only human, and we all have animalistic instincts and desires that can be very powerful.  Likewise, being in a monogamous relationship is not the same as being dead.  People are going to notice members of the opposite sex, especially those they find attractive.  They may look at them, think about them, fantasize about them – but there is a big difference between all of that, and getting naked with somebody.  And when clothes come off, then you know there’s a problem.

People will explain their infidelities in a bevy of ways – “We had a fight and I wanted to get back at you.”  “I was drunk.”  “I was curious.”  “I was horny.”  Or my favorite, “It was an accident.”  (Really, honey?  You just tripped and landed on somebody’s dick?)  But the one thing these explanations all have in common is that they are merely excuses used to cover up the real, universal reason that people cheat – because they are unhappy and unsatisfied in their relationships.

That’s  a hard thing to admit, and perhaps that is why people cheat in the first place – it’s hard to approach your partner and tell them that your relationship, your life with them, is no longer fulfilling.  It’s much easier (and seemingly harmless) to just hop off for a night, find some suitable stranger, and seek fulfillment with them.  And I’m not even talking about sexual fulfillment.  Generally, in my experience, sex is the last thing cheating is about.  It’s involved, certainly, but I’ve known more people who have cheated for every reason besides sex – myself included.

I have been unfaithful in relationships twice.  I’m not proud of it, but I’ll admit it.  Both times it was because I was unhappy in my relationship; my emotional and mental needs weren’t being met; oddly enough, the physical aspect of those relationships were the best part.  But because I felt something lacking, I went searching for it elsewhere.  It’s dishonest and hurtful and immature, but it was a lot easier than taking the honest way out and actually telling my significant other that I was unhappy (which I eventually did, in both situations, when I broke up with them.)  I’m not trying to justify my actions, and it is something I will always be ashamed of, but I’m just saying, I understand why it happens.

Cheating doesn’t need to necessarily involve sex, either.  There is that gray area that my friend Ang and I call “emotional affairs.”  This is basically when someone who is in a relationship winds up being more emotionally involved with someone outside the relationship – sharing intimate feelings and thoughts with a third party, rather than a significant other, rendering the actual exclusive relationship superficial and monotonous.  There are even those who argue that an emotional affair is more damaging than a sexual affair, but that kind of depends on a person’s personal views of sex and intimacy.

So why do people stay with a partner they are unfaithful too, either sporadically or consistently?  I can only speculate.  Comfort, I think, is a big thing.  If you’ve found someone you’re comfortable with, who loves you and gives you that security, it’s very hard to give it up, regardless of how unfulfilled you are.  Guilt, maybe – staying with a person with whom you are unhappy is penance for the sin of infidelity.  And genuine feelings, too, can keep couples together.  Even if a person is unfaithful, they can still care about their partner, and not want to hurt him or her by ending it.  There’s practical reasons, too – kids, money, shared property.  There’s a lot of reasons, and some of them are even understandable, or decent.  But at the end of the day, if someone is really happy in his or her relationship, they don’t even want to look at another member of the opposite sex, let alone sleep with them or open up to them.  And really, isn’t that the kind of relationship we all want?