there’s an app for that

In what may be the most important article ever published in the history of the world, Yahoo! Personals has brought us the seven tips for preventing an affair, which, unsurprisingly, include such pearls of wisdom as “avoid complacency” and “find time for each other.”  (Sigh.  It’s hard work being this snarky all the time.)

While these tips are pretty common sense, judging from the amount of infidelity that happens in relationships, people do needed to be reminded from time to time about how to have a healthy, functional, faithful relationship.  I also found personal validation through this article, as author Sandra Rivkin confirmed what I’ve been saying all along – that “Cheating is caused by one single factor: ‘Lack.’ In a relationship, it’s a lack of love, attention, intimacy, recognition, respect, and connection that builds up over time.”  And I didn’t even need a post-graduate degree to figure that one out.  Take that, Sandra Rivkin.

I would also like to add one more tip for preventing an affair to Rivkin’s list: don’t let your spouse download this app.  Now if only there was an app for keeping it in your pants.

tasteless discretion is the name of the game

I apologize once again for the delay in posting, which was brought to you courtesy of my roommate Carly’s new Wii and Beatles Rock Band.  On the bright side, I had a high score of 88% on drums on “Come Together,” so my practice is starting to pay off.

Anyhow, let’s get down to brass tacks…I’m thinking about Tiger Woods this morning, mainly because, well, who isn’t thinking about Tiger Woods these days?  Also, there was some golf expert dude being interviewed on “Good Day Philadelphia” this morning as I was getting ready for work.  That confused me, because as far as I know, Woods’ only connection to Philadelphia is that in 2008 he was in talks to hold his AT&T National at the Aronmink Golf Club in Newtown Square.  Why then would a Philadelphia news show (well, news-ish) feel the need to host a guest to dissect his personal life?  Oh, that’s right, because we, the populace, like a pack of starved wolves, love nothing better than to sink our teeth into the tender flesh of a sacrificial lamb.

Okay, I understand that our societal constructs dictate that in exchange for his talent, wealth and celebrity status, Woods is required to relinquish a modicum of privacy.  I understand why celebrities like Woods cheat – for the same reasons anyone else does, combined with the added incentive of crazy-hot women throwing themselves at you, and a sense of entitlement that comes from people kissing your ass 24/7.  I understand why one of the general public’s favorite pasttimes is putting celebrities up on a pedestal, only to kick out the legs of the chair and see them tumble from grace.  It’s a little bit of jealousy, a little bit of schadenfreude; celebrities have it all – talent, looks, privilege, power, obscene amounts of money.  Frankly, the general population would commit mass suicide if we couldn’t find some aspect of their lives that was less-than-perfect.

What I don’t understand is why, whenever the story breaks that a celebrity has cheated on his or her spouse, everyone acts like that celebrity is the first person in the history of the world to commit such an unspeakable act, like he or she invented the concept of infidelity.

Um, sorry to kill your shiny, happy rainbows-and-unicorns buzz, everyone, but infidelity has been around just as long as monogamy and matrimony.  The numbers and attitudes towards infidelity vary depending on culture and time period, but rest assured, as long as people – and celebrities are people, too -  have been alive and breathing and have sexual and emotional desires, cheating has occurred.

The difference between affairs then and affairs now is a matter of a little thing called discretion – i.e., whereas people once did have discretion, they don’t anymore.  To be sure, there have been leaks or rumors of many affairs involving famous people over the years – JFK and Marilyn Monroe, Prince Edward of Wales and Wallis Simpson,  and Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hale come to mind – but the level of transparency was nothing like it is now.  For sure, Marilyn Monroe was not giving interviews to US Weekly or leaking voice messages from Jack Kennedy to the press.  Maybe it was because he could have had her whacked by the mob for going public about their affair, or maybe it was because she had a little bit of class and dignity, and didn’t want any more of her personal life splashed across the pages of newspapers and magazines.

But the Clinton-Lewinsky sex scandal of the late 90s sounded the death knell for that kind of discretion, and the advent of the Internet and 24/7 media coverage, combined with a cultural attitude that anyone can be a celebrity, even for something as insignificant and private as having sex with someone, has officially declared discretion DOA.  R.I.P.

In a way, I feel bad for Woods and his family.  Not that he cheated, because it was a poor choice, and not that he got caught, because when you make poor choices, they catch up with you eventually, but that this extremely private, personal matter has to be played out on a national stage, for an audience of people who once exalted him.  Yes, he fucked up, and yes, he has to pay the consequences, but to his wife and family, the ones he wronged.  Shame on him, but shame on us, too, for creating the demand for the drama that he and other celebs supply.   I know in today’s world of Twitter and Facebook statuses and YouTube videos and personal blogs (natch), nothing is sacred and even more so, nothing is private, but it might be worth reminding ourselves that some aspects of our lives can, and should, be private.  After all, how would you like to have your personal life dissected on live television?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

screaming infidelities

Ah, Monday again.  Whilst sadly, I do not have tales of another Octo-date (thank you, Lembo) with which to regale you, it was an interesting weekend, at least from an observer’s point of view.  I spent a lot of time talking to a lot of people about relationships (apparently, the stars and moon and planets aligned perfectly this weekend for everyone’s lives to just go ka-blooey) which, at least for the purpose of this li’l ol’ blog, is always a good thing.

Today, for your consideration, we have the story of my friend Julie, who this weekend succeeded in consummating a flirtatious tryst with a long-time friend and crush.  Great success, right?  Well, not quite,  as the guy in question (who has never shied away from being flirty, romantic, or teasing in this relationship) is currently sort-of-but-not-quite seeing another girl who lives out of state.  They’re not official, so technically he didn’t do anything wrong – except for ensnare Julie in a tangled web of sex, deceit and confused.

“What should I do? I don’t know what he wants!” Julie cried of a glass of wine at my house last night.  (Oh, gee, where have I heard this before?)

“Here’s the thing,” I said, trying, despite all evidence to the contrary, to be the voice of reason, “he can’t really be that into that girl if he’s fucking you.“

I’ve actually been saying this, or some variation thereof, for years.  I feel like this is one of those universal relationship truths – if you are having sex with someone besides your significant other, then you are just not that into your significant other, regardless of what you tell yourself.

Now, obviously, I know we’re all only human, and we all have animalistic instincts and desires that can be very powerful.  Likewise, being in a monogamous relationship is not the same as being dead.  People are going to notice members of the opposite sex, especially those they find attractive.  They may look at them, think about them, fantasize about them – but there is a big difference between all of that, and getting naked with somebody.  And when clothes come off, then you know there’s a problem.

People will explain their infidelities in a bevy of ways – “We had a fight and I wanted to get back at you.”  “I was drunk.”  “I was curious.”  “I was horny.”  Or my favorite, “It was an accident.”  (Really, honey?  You just tripped and landed on somebody’s dick?)  But the one thing these explanations all have in common is that they are merely excuses used to cover up the real, universal reason that people cheat – because they are unhappy and unsatisfied in their relationships.

That’s  a hard thing to admit, and perhaps that is why people cheat in the first place – it’s hard to approach your partner and tell them that your relationship, your life with them, is no longer fulfilling.  It’s much easier (and seemingly harmless) to just hop off for a night, find some suitable stranger, and seek fulfillment with them.  And I’m not even talking about sexual fulfillment.  Generally, in my experience, sex is the last thing cheating is about.  It’s involved, certainly, but I’ve known more people who have cheated for every reason besides sex – myself included.

I have been unfaithful in relationships twice.  I’m not proud of it, but I’ll admit it.  Both times it was because I was unhappy in my relationship; my emotional and mental needs weren’t being met; oddly enough, the physical aspect of those relationships were the best part.  But because I felt something lacking, I went searching for it elsewhere.  It’s dishonest and hurtful and immature, but it was a lot easier than taking the honest way out and actually telling my significant other that I was unhappy (which I eventually did, in both situations, when I broke up with them.)  I’m not trying to justify my actions, and it is something I will always be ashamed of, but I’m just saying, I understand why it happens.

Cheating doesn’t need to necessarily involve sex, either.  There is that gray area that my friend Ang and I call “emotional affairs.”  This is basically when someone who is in a relationship winds up being more emotionally involved with someone outside the relationship – sharing intimate feelings and thoughts with a third party, rather than a significant other, rendering the actual exclusive relationship superficial and monotonous.  There are even those who argue that an emotional affair is more damaging than a sexual affair, but that kind of depends on a person’s personal views of sex and intimacy.

So why do people stay with a partner they are unfaithful too, either sporadically or consistently?  I can only speculate.  Comfort, I think, is a big thing.  If you’ve found someone you’re comfortable with, who loves you and gives you that security, it’s very hard to give it up, regardless of how unfulfilled you are.  Guilt, maybe – staying with a person with whom you are unhappy is penance for the sin of infidelity.  And genuine feelings, too, can keep couples together.  Even if a person is unfaithful, they can still care about their partner, and not want to hurt him or her by ending it.  There’s practical reasons, too – kids, money, shared property.  There’s a lot of reasons, and some of them are even understandable, or decent.  But at the end of the day, if someone is really happy in his or her relationship, they don’t even want to look at another member of the opposite sex, let alone sleep with them or open up to them.  And really, isn’t that the kind of relationship we all want?