As those of you who checked my blog yesterday know, at the tail end of the day I posted a link to a Newsweek.com article about the increased prevalence of unmarried couples ”living in sin” (or the less-fire-and-brimstoney term, “cohabitating”) and the positive and negative effects of such arrangements. The article basically says that cohabitation before marriage no longer means a couple is more likely to eventually divorce if they do wed, but that it doesn’t mean the relationship will necessarily end in marriage either.
Personally, I think cohabitation is a great idea. I mean, you wouldn’t buy a car without taking it on a test drive first, right? Same concept. It’s easy to love someone and think the sun shines out of their ass when you only see each other for a limited amount of time, and don’t have to constantly deal with each other’s messes, habits, schedules and idiosyncrasies, which can’t be hidden when you live together. And not that living with a person for a year or two or 10 before you get married means you will know everything about each other and have the perfect marriage – my parents have been married for 35 years, and they still find ways to surprise, confound and annoy each other – but as far as I can tell, it’s a good way to hedge your bets.
It would seem that there are plenty of people in my generation who agree with me. Among my friends who are in relationships, most of them are living with or have lived with their significant other, and most of us, regardless of current relationship status, would insist on living with their partner before getting married (granted, I don’t know many super-conservative Christians or anything like that, so maybe my data’s a little skewed). And even if cohabitation isn’t an absolute financial necessity, which the Newsweek article cites as a big reason for the spike in couples living together, sometimes it is the most practical way to go. Why pay two rents and two sets of utility bills when you’re basically living in one residence or other anyway?
Of course, moving in with someone is a huge step with a lot of attendant risks and questions, not the least of which is, “What the hell do we do if things don’t work out?” One line that jumped out at me in the Newsweek article is when sociologist Andrew Cherlin said, “Many cohabiting couples may now be in limbo, unable to marry and afraid to break up.” It’s a lot easier to break up with someone who isn’t living in your house, sharing your bed, and bearing half the financial burden of your cost of living. I wonder if there’s any wisdom in a couple plotting out some sort of exit strategy, in case the worst should happen and they break up. Then again, if the U.S. military doesn’t bother with exit strategies, why should we? (Cue cymbal crash.)
Anywho, the other thing that tripped me up in this article was this: “Although both partners will most likely end up contributing household income after marriage, men and women alike say that a husband should be able to provide for his wife and children financially. “There seems to be a cultural expectation that young adults feel that the male is supposed to be the breadwinner,” says (sociologist Pamela) Smock, citing research she conducted with 18 focus groups separated by gender for a forthcoming paper.”
It really surprised me that the majority of young adults apparently still expect the man to be the main breadwinner in the family. I don’t know, I guess I just thought we were past that, but like Smock goes on to say, “It’s a masculinity issue.” The idea of the man as the main provider for a family is so ingrained in the fabric of our culture and the minds of men that even though we know it doesn’t have to be that way, we still feel like it should. I always think about something Steve Harvey said in his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man (one of the few self-help/relationship books I’ve read that didn’t make me want to dig my eyes out with a spoon), about how one of things a man needs to feel secure and confident in his relationship is the ability to provide for his significant other, whether or not they actually need to. They just need to know they can, and if they don’t, it can be problematic. This is something I’ve witnessed in real life, not really surprisingly, considering the unemployment rate for men right now is 9/8%, compared to 8% for women.
So is cohabitation the right choice or not? Only under the right circumstances, it would seem, but the same goes for marriage, or just about any big life decision. As long as it’s done for the right reasons, the chances of success are that much better.
On that note, here’s a funny story about farting, somewhat related to cohabitation: My parents, products of a more conservative era and Catholic upbringings, did not live together before they got married. Scatton lore has it that on the first night of their honeymoon, as they were going to bed, my dad turned my mom and said, “I’ve been good the whole time we were dating and engaged, but now that we’re married and going to be living together, I’m going to fart when I want to fart,” and proceeded to do so. That my mom did not run sobbing from the room and instead remained in love with and married to that man for 35 years is a testament to her enduring strength and patience.
kristenm129
