the houdini phenomenon

I remember in one of my elementary school classes (Social Studies, I believe), we used to do a question of the day, when our teacher would ask the class a question related to the topic we were presently studying, or related to current events, and give extra credit to the person who could answer it. I think it’s time to bring back question of the day, related, of course, to the topic at hand – relationships, dating and whatnot.

So today’s Question of the Day is: Why, when a man enters into a new romantic relationship with a woman, does he instantly cease communication with any and all friends of the female persuasion, and maintain lack of communication for the duration of the relationship?

Answer: …I don’t know. I have theories, of course (I always have theories), but truthfully, I have no idea, maybe because I’m a woman, and even when I’m in a relationship, I keep in touch with all my friends, be they male or female. I was thinking about this question because it’s something that came up in two separate conversations with two different friends, who were bewildered, angry, hurt, frustrated, etc. with male friends who made like Houdini and disappeared from their lives as soon as another woman entered the picture.

And for the record, I would call women to the carpet on this as well, but I honestly haven’t noticed this trend in women as much as men. Sure, everyone becomes a little less available when they’re in a relationship, but I can’t think of any woman that I know who cuts ties with male friends as soon as she has a boyfriend. So, you know, if you’re thinking about bitching about that, just stfu.

Anyway, here are my theories:

1. Men can’t multi-task and can only focus on one woman at a time.
2. Their girlfriend’s feel threatened by their boyfriend’s having female friends, and pressure them to cut ties (guys who do this are pussies, but that’s another topic for another blog).
3. Boyfriends THINK they’re girlfriends will be threatened by them having female friends, and cut ties (these men need to give their girlfriends more credit).
4. The boyfriend’s themselves feel threatened by the presence of a female friend, because of past emotional/physical involvement, and so decide that the best course of action is to completely remove the temptation from their path.

So those are my theories. I don’t know if they’re accurate, or total bullshit. If anyone has any insight on this, I’d love to hear it, and I know my friends would too. Class dismissed.

wildlife

I spent this New Year’s Eve with an assortment of friends, among them Adam and Drew, friends of mine who were visiting from out of town (it wasn’t quite as impressive as the octo-date, but I did feel pretty pimp arriving everywhere flanked by young attractive men).

On Friday night, as the three of us were walking down South Street to meet up with a group of friends for dinner, we noticed a gaggle of girls, about our age or a little younger, shivering and slipping as they navigated the slushy streets wearing only sparkly strapless mini-dresses and stiletto heels, with nary a coat or hat or scarf, because they apparently forgot that it’s December and it’s the Northeast and it’s fucking freezing.

I remembered that Drew had written a comment on Facebook last month (or last year, as it were) wondering why women seemed to lose all common sense in the face of a night out on the town, shunning the unattractive “warm jacket and sensible shoes” look for the clearly more alluring “hypothermia and headlights” look.

“Hey Drew,” I said as the gaggle hobbled past us, “aren’t those the girls you wrote about on Facebook?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Why do women do that?” Then, answering his own question like any red-blooded 25-year-old man would: “I mean, at least they’re easy targets.”

Then Adam, sagely: “Look at lions. They don’t go after the healthy gazelles. They go after the diseased ones that can’t outrun them. That’s what those girls are like – diseased gazelles.”

Thus inspired, I decreed that henceforth, all stupid bitches who run around in skimpy clothes in the dead of winter, explicitly offering themselves up as easy prey for an easy lay, shall be known as diseased gazelles, and furthermore, did my best to popularize said terminology by pointing them out (often rather loudly) as we scampered around Philly the rest of the weekend. (And in case you were wondering, the male equivalent of a diseased gazelle is the guy wearing a popped collar or Ed Hardy (or both), lots of bling, a backwards baseball cap, and a spray tan).

Anyway, I really feel like this phrase could catch on, and really help me leave my mark on pop culture in 2011. I mean, I’m already off to a good start – I had two dates for New Year’s Eve, and that was with me wearing a coat and sensible shoes.

Happy New Year, everyone!