i do…or do i?

Remember yesterday, when I posted about a new Pew Research Center/Time magazine poll that revealed four in 10 Americans think marriage is going obsolete? Here’s a more in-depth article that was published on Time’s web site: Who Needs Marriage? How an American Institution Is Changing. It’s a pretty interesting read. I’m still having a mixed reaction to these poll results, as far as what is causing these changes in the attitude towards marriage, and how well those changes are reflected by the opinions and actions of my peers.

I think this sentence sums it up best: “What we found is that marriage, whatever its social, spiritual or symbolic appeal, is in purely practical terms just not as necessary as it used to be. Neither men nor women need to be married to have sex or companionship or professional success or respect or even children — yet marriage remains revered and desired.”

Pretty much. As a college-educated woman with a full-time job and higher career aspirations, I know that I could support myself financially well into the future, barring any unforeseen disasters. In today’s social order, there would be nothing amiss or wrong with me being a single woman for the rest of my life. But personally, romantically, emotionally speaking, do I want to be married someday? Hells yeah.

Perhaps because it is as Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University and author of The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today, says in the Time article: ”Getting married is a way to show family and friends that you have a successful personal life.  It’s like the ultimate merit badge.”

Especially if you, like me and many of my friends, grew up in a small town environment where old-fashioned values prevail. Where I come from, marriage is just something you do sooner or later. It’s a rite of passage, a symbolic gesture that says “Look how well I’ve got my shit together.” Of course, most of us know that being married doesn’t necessarily mean you have your shit together, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to give it the old college try, to prove everyone wrong. After all, doesn’t each generation love to think they know more than the previous one?

I’d love to know what you all think of this, especially since I know many people who are already married/engaged, others who are co-habitating, and others who just don’t give a shit.

Or, if this is all too heavy for 4:30 on a Friday afternoon, here’s an alternative – a cat’s butt that looks like an elephant! Enjoy

is marriage going the way of the jesus-pony?

So that loud, collective thud you heard Tuesday morning was the sound of a mass suicide, as women throughout the world committed hari-kari over the news that Prince William is finally engaged to long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton. (Personally, Will’s also seemed a little too safe and boring for me. Give me pot-smoking, paparazzi-punching Prince Harry any day.)

While Kate and Will’s  subsequent nuptials will no doubt be closely watched by many of us across the pond, a recent study shows that fewer Americans are giving the institution of marriage as much credit as they once did. According to this article from AOLNews, a recent poll conducted by the Pew Research Center and Time magazine revealed that thirty-nine percent of  Americans think marriage is becoming obsolete, compared to twenty-eight percent in 1978.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’m surprised by this or not. Based on the number of people that I know who’ve gotten engaged or married within the last three or four years, I’d say marriage is far from going extinct, even among the Millenial generation. Even among people I know who don’t want to be married now, a good percentage of them (myself included) want to be married at some point in time. Blame it on my small-town Catholic upbringing. Or blame it on the fact that in a world where so much is temporary, ever-changing, I want something that’s  (at least somewhat) permanent and stable. Or blame it on the fact that maybe somewhere, deep inside the recesses of my black, whiskey-soaked heart, there’s still enough hopeless romantic left to believe in a love strong enough to want to make a promise to be with that person until death do you part.

The Top 40 Essentials Every Twenty-Something Woman Should Have

Wow! Apparently I need to ask you all to write blogs for me more often. I got such an overwhelming and thought-provoking response to my query for the essential things that every modern woman needs (from both women and men – thanks, Joe Roth!) that what was going to be a top 10 list could have easily been a top 50 list. I did some editing, did some tweaking, and now, without further adieu, present to you (in no particular order) the Top 40 Essentials Every Twenty-Something Woman Should Have:

1. At least two close friends nearby.
2. Vibrator (Like I even need to explain this one.)
3. An education
4. A pair of fuck-me boots
5. The Pill
6. A place of your own/the experience of living on your own
7. One shirt that makes your tits look great, and one pair of pants/shorts that make your ass look great
8. A sassy gay friend
9. The ability to look at yourself in the mirror, and be happy with what you see
10. A flask (Because whiskey ain’t cheap, yo.)
11. A purse that you don’t care how dirty and destroyed it gets (For crazy bar nights)
12. One friend who will always tell you the truth
13. One friend who will always tell you what you want to hear
14. A driver’s license
15. A pair of underwear/lingerie you’d never want your dad to see
16. One dish/meal that you’re great at preparing
17. A bank account in your name
18. Cheap, funky jewelry for going out
19. Nice, good-quality jewelry for special occasions
20.. A signature scent
21. A really good massage once a year
22. A close male friend to be your big brother and look out for you.
23. A goal (personal or professional) to work towards
24. A wine opener
25. A great pair of jeans
26. Time to be on your own and get to know yourself
27. One movie/song/book that always makes you laugh, and one that always makes you cry
28. A pair of versatile black pumps
29. One friend who’s always up for a crazy night on the town
30. Cab fare
31. A go-to drink that you can always enjoy
32. A little black dress and a little red dress
33. Enough income to not need a guy to pay
34. Chocolate
35. Comfy sweatpants
36. A passport
37. A male friend who’s fun to make out with but too flawed to date
38. A camera
39. One outfit that always makes you feel sexy
40. Confidence

help wanted

Hey ladies! So I’m working on a post with the top 10 essentials every modern twenty-something female should have, and I need your ideas and suggestions! I have some of my own already, but I’m sure you lovely and intelligent ladies have some fabulous ideas to contribute as well.

Remember, this is not about general necessities that you need for everyday life – cell phone, keys, job, coffee, Facebook – but things that enable you to be a fiercer, sexier, more kick-ass woman.

Shoot me your suggestion in the comments, and be on the lookout for the list in an upcoming post!

“Look, Ma! I’m A Grown-Up!”

I know I spend a fair amount of time on this blog bitching about relationship drama and men behaving badly and me and my girlfriends being Sarah Palin-crazy over it, so I thought today I would change it up by writing about something refreshingly devoid of drama and strife.

Ang Freakin’ Brockman, whom you all know and love, and I have recently had similar experiences in which we’ve reunited with an ex-boyfriend (hers from last year, mine from a time when dinosaurs roamed the earth, i.e. freshman year of college) after not being in touch with them for a long time.

The most remarkable thing about these reunions was how totally unremarkable they were. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s been great seeing my ex, catching up with him, hearing about all the cool stuff he’s done in the past few years, but the best part is I can hang out with him and not want to curl up in the fetal position crying or punch babies in the face. Finally, I’ve transcended the emotional barriers of a former love into that peaceful valley known as friendship. As Martha Stewart would say, “It’s a good thing.”

Or, as I more eloquently put it to Ang while we were talking about all this on GChat: “Look how mature Ang and I are! We can be friends with our exes! Go us!”

Ah, it’s the little things in life that get you through the day…

wtf, online dating?

Not like I would ever go back to online dating (if I wanted that kind of frustration and humiliation, I’d just start doing algebra again), but this article that was published today on Philly.com convinced me that while the Internet is great for a lot of things, dating is not one of them: “Monica Yant Kinney: Beatty Chadwick, trolling Match.com, still defying truth.”

Really? I mean…really? I don’t even have any commentary to offer on this, it’s just a fucking ridiculous story. I guess it illustrates the point that it’s a lot easier to embellish or gloss over facts from behind the safety of a computer screen, and we can never be too trusting of what may be lurking behind that screenname. Although what the hell can you expect from a guy named fucking Beatty Chadwick, of all things? Ladies, ye be warned.

 

tales from the wide world of dating

As you know, I often borrow (steal) stories from my friends’ personal lives to recount (exploit) in the pages of Miss Right Now. Sometimes, though, my friends willingly give me (insist that I write about) their dating trials and triumphs, which makes my job a hell of a lot easier.

Here is one such story from your friend and mine, Ang Freakin’ Brockman:

Since the beginning of this year, Ang was sort-of dating an old high school friend of hers, whom we’ll call Pinkie (for reasons that may or may not be related to his penis). Pinkie had recently graduated from college and returned to his hometown, near the area where Ang works. To give you the Reader’s Digest version of what happened over the course of about 9 months or so, as Ang and Pinkie hung out more, Ang developed feelings for him, and wanted to turn their relationship into something more serious. Pinkie resisted, with a litany of excuses, both verbalized and implied – he was working long hours and didn’t have the time, he didn’t feel he would be able to provide financially for a girlfriend, his life was too unstable because he had just graduated and had no permanent living situation, hanging out with friends and visiting his old college were a bigger priority than spending time with Ang, he still wasn’t over his ex-girlfriend, etc.

Yet he still acted very flirtatious with Ang when they were together, holding her hand, paying for her dinner or movie tickets, kissing her. Fed up with his mixed signals, Ang finally told him to she had had enough, and if he wasn’t willing to take the next step with her, then they needed to go back to being just friends. Pinkie agreed, albeit somewhat reluctantly and bitchily. After a few weeks, Ang had a change of heart, and decided that even if Pinkie wasn’t willing to commit to a relationship, there was no harm in continuing to date him casually, while keeping her options open.

Ang was going to tell Pinkie this over dinner a few weeks ago, but she never got the chance. Before she could bring up the subject, Pinkie decided to drop a bomb of his own – the week before, he had gone on a date with a new girl and she “turned his world upside down.”  He went on to say that he “never felt this way about any girl before,” and that he couldn’t date Ang anymore because he and this Wonder Woman were going to be exclusive.

I wasn’t there when this all went down, obviously, but in my mind, it goes something like this: Pinkie tells Ang this news, she sits there quietly for a few moments, as her skin turns green and her veins start to pop and her muscles expands and she goes Incredible Hulk on Pinkie, jumping over the table and ripping his face off for being a complete dick.

She didn’t, of course, but she was PISSED. And disappointed, hurt, discouraged… Needless to say, it was not a good weekend for Ang Freakin’ Brockman.

Now, Pinkie’s problem is that he made two very amateur mistakes here. (Imagine me saying the following in the style of football commentating great John Maddon):
Mistake #1: Overcompensation – A classic mistake. Pinkie knew that what he had to tell Ang was going to upset her greatly, so he thought taking her out to dinner and saying it in person would soften the blow. Wrong! Making a woman shave her legs, carefully select an outfit, do her hair and put on make-up just to be dumped only adds insult to injury. No woman wants to sit there uncomfortably in pantyhose, stuffing half-congealed pasta in her mouth and staring at your ugly face while making awkward small talk after you’ve just given her the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine. For future reference, this is a situation in which a phone call is perfectly appropriate, if not a downright necessity. She doesn’t have to make herself all fabulous and pretty to be given her walking papers, she doesn’t have to worry about causing a scene if she wants to scream her face off at you, and the wine and Ben & Jerry’s is that much more accessible when she tells you to fuck off and hangs up.

Mistake #2: Evasive maneuvers – For all the reasons Pinkie gave Ang for not being able to be in a relationship with her – lack of time, money, stability, etc. – he failed to give her the only honest, accurate reason – he’s just not that into her. Until the bitter end, he insisted that it was everything else under the sun that kept them from being together, except him and his lack of romantic feelings towards her. But actions speak louder than words, and when you declare your commitment to a girl you met a week ago after insisting for months to the other girl you’re dating that you’re j not ready for a relationship, that can only mean one thing. While it would have still been disappointing for Ang, It would have been much more expeditious and much less insulting, if Pinkie admitted from the get-go that their relationship was going nowhere. Guys, remember that.

I am happy to report that Ang is bouncing back nicely. Now that she doesn’t have to worry about Pinkie and his never-ending drama, she can focus on more interesting life pursuits, like moving to Philly (yay!) and finding a guy who doesn’t sleep on his mom’s couch. So there is a silver lining on every cloud.

unanswered questions

Thanks to a rather cryptic post followed by a few weeks of relative silence, I’ve gotten a lot of questions from readers about what happened to Tattooed Rock Star Boy, who I came thisclose to dating about a month ago, the most popular question being, “Did he find your blog?”

The short answer to that is no, or rather, not to my knowledge. If he did, he never mentioned it to me. The long answer is that things didn’t work out the way I would have liked them to because this particular guy was (is) going through a lot of personal upheaval that means any kind of stable, functional relationship is out of the question right now. Disappointing, yes, but also understandable. Shit happens. Life happens. I can’t blame this guy for the problems he’s going through. I was more ticked off about the fact that he ignored me for over two weeks before finally admitting he was too much of a mess to date me, and even then the only explanation I got was a two-sentence text, but whatever, I’m not bitter. A two-sentence text is more closure than I’ve gotten from a lot of men who simply fall off the face of the Earth, so I guess it’s a step in the right direction.

More important was the fact that we were both able to realize and accept that, no matter how much we were attracted to each other, trying to make a relationship out of these circumstances was going to be like making chicken salad out of chicken shit – impossible. Sure, I could have put on my angel wings and tried to save him. But there’s a fine line between helping someone and sacrificing yourself for him, and while I’m more than willing to offer help and support to a partner, I’m sure as hell not going to sacrifice myself for anyone. As badly as I may want a relationship sometimes, I know that no relationship is better than an unhappy, unstable, unfulfilling one.

And who knows? Maybe down the road, when this person is at a better place in his life, things will work out better. Doors may close, but very rarely do they lock forever.

she lives and breathes

Yes, folks, it’s true – I am still alive. I had to put Miss Right Now on hiatus for a minute while I tried to claw my way out from a mountain of work at my job (I’m sort of succeeding) and dealt with some personal and professional business. However, as I was adamantly reminded last week in the midst of a Halloween party (I was Jem), people actually read this shit, and Lord knows disappearing for weeks on end is no way to treat a burgeoning rabid fan base. Besides, a lot has happened in the past few weeks that I’m sure you’re all dying to hear about.

I hate the phrase “turning over a new leaf,” because it’s a cliche, and as a writer I’m contractually obligated to hate all cliches, so I guess I would be more apt to say that in the past few weeks, I’ve tried to take on a new outlook on life. I’m trying to be more open, positive, carefree and confident, and less negative, afraid and frustrated. I’m trying to worry less, and enjoy more. I’m focusing on myself, not on finding a partner, while I work on healing my wounds and improving myself, so that when Mr. Right comes along, I’ll be ready for him, while making the most of all the good things I currently have in my life.

So, yeah, there’s that.

So come along on the journey, boys and girls, and be entertained by this and other stories including:
- Did That Last Guy You Dated Find Your Blog? (Short answer: no.)
- Ang Freakin’ Brockman vs. Pinkie Pete
- 10 Things Every Kick-Ass Twenty-something Woman Should Have
…and more!

See you all next week!